We want to create a healthy response to sexual assault in our communities. We want to support, learn, teach, help, talk so that we can prevent, speak out, and respond. We want the taboo subject into the open; to inspire thoughts, questions, and discussions around the issue. We hope this brings some change, some communication and some healing to all of us. We don't have any answers but we have ideas.

Nous voulons creer une reponse saine contre les agressions sexuelles dans nos communautes. Nous voulons apporter notre soutien, apprendre, apprendre aux autres, parler pour pouvoir faire de la prevention, pour denoncer et pour repondre. Nous voulons que ce sujet tabou soit expose au grand jour; pour inspirer des idees, des questions, des discussions autour de ce probleme. Nous esperons que cela apporte un changement, plus de communication et un processus de guerison pour certain/es d'entre nous. Nous n'avons pas de reponse mais beaucoup d'idees.

trouvé sur le site : "Nouveau millénaire, Défis libertaires"
http://1libertaire.free.fr/Guideapresleviol.html
que je vous conseille vivement bourré de trucs féministes et lesbiens et trans !! et de pleins d'autres trucs dont personne ne cause jamais !!

+++ Comment réagir face aux agressions sexuelles et au viol au sein de nos espaces "libérés" ? Voici une proposition de démarche Ce texte est adapté à partir d'un texte produit, revu et réadapté au sein de l'Anti-Fascist Action de Stockholm (suède), puis lors d'un séminaire sur la thématique des genres dans le collectif anarchiste d'Escanda en Espagne, puis lors de la conférence de l'Action Mondiale des Peuples en Europe (Belgrade, juillet 2004)... Il est ici "librement" repris et traduit à l'arrache en français, afin d'être utilisable et discuté, en particulier en vue de la TAZ No Border Rivesaltes en août 2004.

Même dans "nos" espaces, le sexisme et les comportements sexistes sont trop facilement acceptés, et la lutte contre le sexisme n'a pas été considérée comme une priorité, nous devons changer ça ! Créer des environnements non-sexistes devrait être une priorité, et ce processus anti-agression s'inscrit dans cette démarche : en mettant explicitement en évidence, dans les plate-formes d'organisation de nos évènements ou de nos espaces, des principes et des processus anti-sexistes clairs, on montre que le problème des comportements sexistes et du harcèlement sexuel est pris au sérieux.

Ceci permet aussi que le reste de l'activité du collectif continue tandis qu'une démarche de réaction à une agression est entamée, et peut aussi éviter beaucoup de confusion, de peurs et de colère, qui surviennent toujours lorsque des cas d'agression ou de viol sont rendus publics dans nos milieux. Ceci rendra nos espaces plus ouverts et sûrs. La responsabilité de créer des espaces non-sexistes est partagée par le collectif dans son ensemble. Nous voulons créer un environnement où quiconque a vécu un cas de comportement sexiste ou d'agression sexuelle ait la force de venir parler à quelqu'un/e de ce qui s'est passé, en sachant qu'il/elle sera pris/e au sérieux. Notre but avec cette proposition est de trouver des moyens de réagir aux agressions sexuelles et viols dans tous nos espaces.

Ceci dit, les opportunités d'enclencher un réel processus seront différentes si un cas se produit dans nos milieux locaux, où les gens se connaissent et peuvent réagir et réfléchir à plus long terme, ou si cela se produit lors d'un rassemblement qui ne dure que quelques jours. Il faudra adapter ces propositions aux circonstances variées, mais ça peut être une bonne idée, lors de rassemblements plus larges, de désigner une personne ou groupe à qui tout le monde peut s'adresser en cas de comportement sexiste et en cas d'agression sexuelle ou viol. C'est dans ce cas-là son rôle de mettre cette procédure en place le plus vite possible et de rendre compte des informations à propos du processus en assemblée générale. Ceci permet de minimiser les ragots et malentendus à propos de ces questions très émotionnelles.

Nous reconnaissons qu'il est important d'avoir un processus ouvert et transparent afin que les conflits "genrés" (= conflits liés à la division sociale selon le "sexe biologique") ne soient pas réglés derrière des portes fermées, comme ça a été le cas pendant si longtemps. Malgré tout, nous devons respecter le caractère privé et confidentiel de la victime et trouver un équilibre entre ces deux buts. Dans cette proposition, nous avons choisi d'utiliser un langage neutre en ce qui concerne le masculin / féminin, car nous réalisons que n'importe qui peut devenir victime d'agression sexuelle. Ceci dit nous savons que la plus grande majorité des victimes d'agression sont des femmes, et qu'une encore plus grosse majorité des agresseurs/euses sont des hommes. Voici donc un ensemble d'outils suggérés, pas un dogme, ce n'est pas le seul moyen de réagir aux agressions, harcèlements, viols, et d'autres chemins pourraient aussi être explorés, et aussi en dehors de "nos" espaces. Aussi, aucun processus pour réagir à des tels problèmes ne peut être parfait : chaque manière sera un compromis entre des idéaux importants comme la justice, l'autonomie...

Nous suggérons donc quelques étapes à suivre pour réagir en cas d'agression sexuelle ou de viol, sans impliquer les autorités étatiques. Ceci est basé sur l'a-priori selon lequel la victime définit toujours ce qui est une agression sexuelle ou un viol - et sera toujours crue.

1 ) Quand une personne parle d'une agression commise contre elle, ou quand des rumeurs commencent à circuler sur quelque chose qui se serait passé, la mise en place de groupes devrait commencer le plus vite possible. Un groupe peut être formé de deux personnes ou plus. Pendant que ce processus est en cours, l'agresseur/euse n'est pas bienvenu/e dans les activités et les espaces de l'organisation, ou, selon les cas, dans le rassemblement au sein duquel l'évènement s'est produit.

2 ) Organisez une assemblée générale, si la victime le veut. Diffusez-y l'information et créez-y les groupes. Sinon, faites ceci de manière informelle.

3 ) Mettez en place un groupe qui parle avec la victime. C'est mieux si ce sont des personnes en lesquelles la victime a confiance et qui sont proches d'elle. Le but est de :
- entendre ce qu'il ou elle a à dire
- lui donner du soutien
- voir si il ou elle a une quelconque opinion à propos de comment régler la question ou s'il ou elle a des demandes particulières.

4 ) Mettez en place un groupe qui parle avec l'agresseur/euse. C'est mieux si ce sont des gens qui le/la connaissent et en qui il/elle a confiance, mais qui peuvent réagir en le /la critiquant. Le but est de :
- entendre sa version
- confronter cette version avec ce que la victime a dit. Faire en sorte que l'agresseur/euse prenne du recul et essaie de comprendre pourquoi la victime a ressenti les choses comme telles. -souvenez-vous que ça peut être difficile dans nos milieux politisés d'admettre qu'on a commis une agression sexuelle, donc un certain degré de confidentialité est important ici pour permette à l'agresseur/euse d'assumer ses actions. Quoi qu'il en soit, il est important de rapporter au collectif en général des informations à propos de ce processus, dans le but de limiter les rumeurs.

5 ) Le groupe de soutien à la victime et le groupe de contact avec l'agresseur/euse (et la victime, s'ille veut s'y impliquer) développent un plan de travail. Faut-il exclure l'agresseur/euse? Pourra-t-ille continuer à s'impliquer dans le milieu, à condition que ce soit hors des groupes dans lesquels la victime est impliquée? Sera-t-ille autorisé/e à revenir s'ille se remet en question à ce sujet? Le but est de créer une base pour que l'agresseur/euse comprenne ce qui s'est passé, afin qu'il ou elle ne le refasse plus. Pendant ce processus, le groupe de soutien reste en contact avec la victime et lui raconte ce qui est en train de se passer, et se renseigne sur ce qu'ille ressent. Lorsque le problème est rendu visible et amené au grand jour, la souffrance peut souvent revenir, et il ou elle a besoin d'encore plus de soutien. Le but est d'aider la victime à mettre en mots ce qui s'est passé, et renforcer sa confiance en soi.

6 ) Le groupe de soutien à la victime et le groupe de contact avec l'agresseur/euse (et la victime, s'ille veut s'y impliquer) jugent si l'agresseur/euse est bienvenu/e de nouveau dans le groupe, ou si le contact avec lui/elle n'a produit aucun résultat. Au cas où l'agresseur/euse ne veut pas participer au processus et agit de manière arrogante, alors il n'y bien sûr aucune raison de continuer. Ca ne sert à rien de perdre toute l'énergie d'un groupe politique dans le but de réagir aux attitudes d'un/e agresseur/euse s'ille ne veut pas coopérer. Alors il vaut mieux exclure l'agresseur/euse et se concentrer sur la victime qui a été agressée.

Pour finir : Tout d'abord, une idée principale de cette démarche devrait être la reconnaissance du fait que la plupart des gens sont capables de changer leurs comportement et attitudes sexistes, que l'exclusion immédiate et définitive n'est pas la solution parfaite. La réintégration et la réhabilitation de l'agresseur/euse dans nos espaces peut être un but. Ensuite, souvenez-vous que peu d'entre nous ont véritablement les compétences pour conseiller une victime de viol ou un violeur. Un conseil professionnel peut être une nécessité. Il a été suggéré lors de la conférence de l'AMP à Belgrade que l'on entame un travail de fond collectif, que des expériences soient partagées avec des personnes qui ont déjà travaillé et réfléchi sur la question, fait face en pratique à ce genre de situation, afin que de fil en aiguille, de partage d'expérience en partage d'expérience, nous n'ayons plus besoin de nous adresser à des professionnel-le-s. Le but serait que lors de chacun de ces gros rassemblements par exemple, une équipe de résolution des agressions sexuelles soit formée et commence à réfléchir à l'avance, composée de personnes ayant déjà des expériences en la matière. Ces expériences partagées de fil en aiguille pourraient nous permettre de créer une réelle compétence collective pour réagir aux agressions sexuelles et viols sans recours aux mécanismes d'un système que nous rejetons (police, justice, prison, psychiatrie, exclusions...).

Taking The First Step: Suggestions To People Called Out For Abusive Behavior
by wispy cockles
(originally published in the Jan/Feb issue of Clamor Magazine)

Introduction

What you see before you is a work in a progress and will likely remain so. I write this to encourage dialogue and to provide a resource to people dealing with difficult situations. I do not write this to provide answers to every situation where someone is accused of abuse. Every situation will have unique characteristics that require unique responses and courses of action. What I hope is that this will spark a dialogue about how people accused of rape or abuse or sexual assault should conduct themselves regardless of their feelings of guilt or innocence. As radical communities we need to have extensive dialogue about how to deal with abusive behaviour, and this is one current within that dialogue. We should ask ourselves many questions. What responsibilities does the accused have to upholding a "process of accountability" regardless of their feelings of guilt or innocence? As survivors and communities how do we hold abusers responsible? How do we create strong communities that are ready to deal with difficult and controversial situations without factionalizing or falling apart? Is it a priority to determine "guilt" or "innocence" or is it a priority to create processes that demand accountability and deconstruct privilege?

There are some aspects of the ten suggestions I would like to explain first and foremost. We find ourselves in a world where the overwhelming amount of abuse occurs with men preying on women. It is a patriarchal phenomena. In this document I have used the gender neutral term s/he. I wish for survivors that fall outside of the male=assailant/female=survivor model to have visibility. I wish to speak to all abusers regardless of their gender. It is not an attempt to cloak the fact that abuse is largely perpetuated by men against women.

Also in this document I do address people who feel that they have been falsely accused of whatever they've been accused of doing. My reason for doing this is mainly, because people who are in denial need to be spoken to, and they need to be held to standards of conduct that support an atmosphere that challenges privilege and oppression. It goes without saying that in the majority of instances when people are called out for abuse it is because, in fact, they abused the person(s). However, there exist a minority of instances in which people are falsely accused of things.

This writing comes from the context of my own experience of dealing with accusations of sexually coercive behaviour. Accusations which were later revealed, by the person my accusers had pegged to be the "survivor", to have no validity. However, there were a good three months where, due to miscommunication and misunderstanding*, I honestly believed I was being accused by someone of manipulative and sexually coercive behaviour. I did a lot of self investigation and soul searching. Luckily, I had some great people to help me process through my conflicting feeling surrounding dealing with these very frightening accusations of abuse. This is my way of giving back to all those who gave so much to me, and to a radical community which inspires me. It is a product of a very real, very intense lived experience facing accusations of abuse, and the reflection that followed.

I would like to say, in my opinion, that false accusations of abuse are themselves a form of emotional abuse. However, it is very important to keep a perspective about such things. The priority, in any situation, where someone is calling out someone else of abuse must clearly lay with the needs and desires of those claiming to have survived abuse. This is not to just err on the side of caution, as false accusations are by most accounts an extreme rarity. It is to support the beginnings of communities that trust those who stand up to those that hurt them. It is to support those that occupy the front lines in the struggle against hierarchy. Those beautiful souls who take the struggle home, where its most difficult, and those whose strength should be displayed, if they wish, on the covers of radical tabloids alongside photos of black blockers doing property alteration. Their militancy doesn't leave them when the demo or deed is done, they live it.

*Take my advice, don't use e-mail to communicate about serious and emotionally charged issues.

Ten Suggestions For People Called Out For Abusive Behaviour

1. Be Honest, Stay Honest, Get Honest

If you know that you hurt the person calling you out for abuse, acknowledge it. If you think its a possibility that you might have hurt them let them know. If you have any inkling that some way that you interacted with them might have compromised their dignity and boundaries let them know. The first step to dealing with our abusive tendencies is getting out of denial. Denial is like an infection. It starts in some locality (specific instances and situations, nitpicking at certain parts of an account of the situation[s]), and if untreated festers and eventually consumes us entirely. When we are able to vocalize that we are aware that something isn't quite right with our behaviour it brings us a step closer to dealing with it in a meaningful and honest way.

2. Respect Survivor Autonomy

Survivor autonomy means that the survivor of abuse, and the survivor of abuse alone calls the shots concerning how abusive behaviour is dealt with. This means s/he calls the shots and you live with her/his decisions. You don't get to determine how or even if a mediation/confrontation happens, or initiate action towards a resolution. You get to make it explicitly clear that you respect their autonomy in the situation, and that you're willing to work towards a resolution. They may prefer to never be in the same space with you again and don't wish to speak with you. It is not their responsibility, nor their duty, to attempt for resolution or enter into dialogue with you or take any specific course of action for that matter However it is your responsibility, as someone being called out, to respect their needs and desires.

3.Learn To Listen

It is imperative that you open your ears and your heart to the person calling you out. This will likely be difficult, because people tend to get defensive and closed when they are accused of wrongdoing. Very few people in this world want to be pegged as the "bad apple of the "bunch" To listen you will need to keep your defensive and knee jerk reactionary tendencies in check. These suggestions could be very helpful to you: A) Let the person calling you out direct the dialogue. If they want you to answer questions do so, but otherwise let them have the floor. B) Be aware when you're formulating responses and counterpoints in your head while they're expressing their account of the situation(s), and attempt to stop doing so. C) Focus on their account of things, and save going over in your head how you remember things until after they have spoken. D) Reflect upon the entirety of what they expressed and not just the disparities between your and their account of events. E) Talk with your friends about how you can better listen before you enter a mediation/confrontation.

4.Practice Patience

Sometimes things take time to be resolved. Sometimes it takes months, years, decades for a resolution, and sometimes there is no clear cut resolution. However, there is no timeline for resolution when human dignity is at stake. Be patient and never attempt to force a resolution. a process, or a dialogue. You may ask for a dialogue or a mediation, but if the answer is no it is no until s/he says it is yes. Don't attempt to wear down the boundaries of the person calling you out by asking for dialogue or mediation over and over again. Stay put, reflect, and think about the power dynamics in your relations with others.

5.Never, Ever, Blame The Victim

S/he did not ask for violence or abuse. S/he did not ask for it in how s/he dressed. S/he didn't ask for it, because s/he was under the influence of alcohol or drugs. S/he didn't ask for it, because s/he is a sex worker. S/he didn't ask for it because she chose to make out with you or because s/he went back to your place or because s/he is known to be into s/m or because she is a "tease" or because she is a "slut". S/he did not ask for it in anyway. It is not acceptable to write off his/her responses to your behaviour, because she is "hypersensitive" to ‘your' threatening of abusive behaviour. It is not acceptable to say that s/he is "exaggerating" the abuse, because s/he is a feminist/queer liberationist/activist/punk/youth/"a PC thug"/etc. It is not acceptable to say that s/he is making it up, because s/he has a history of abuse or any other such nonsense. Making excuses for why someone is to blame for your hurtful actions are a way for you to avoid taking responsibility for ‘your' fucked up behaviour. They expose you as a coward.

6.Speak For Yourself

You can account for your experience and your experience and your experience alone. Don't ever assume that you can know how the person calling you out as an abuser experienced the situation(s). People walk down the same streets everyday and have very different experiences. This is a simple fact of life. It is, also, a very different experience to have the winds of privilege blowing against your back than to have the winds of oppression blowing in your face as you walk down those same streets. You cannot know how someone else felt at a certain moment, and so you should never presume that you have the right to judge the validity of their feelings. If they have expressed how they feel, then what you need to do, first and foremost, is to listen. It is important that you actively seek to understand theirs feelings. If you find that you simply cannot understand their feelings no matter how sincerely you try it is still not your place to judge the validity of them.

7. Don't Engage In Silence Behaviour

By telling your "side of the story" you could be creating an atmosphere that silences people who have been abused. If you feel that their are major discrepancies between your account of the situation(s) and their account, and that you are being "falsely accused" take a deep breath. First you need to know that you can never stop sincerely investigating the yourself and questioning how your behaviour affects others ..the case is never closed. With time you might come to realize that, yes, in fact your behaviour was abusive. It is your responsibility to continuously challenge your notions about how your behaviours effect others, and to challenge your understandings of how you hold power over others in your relationships. Read books, enter into recovery programs for batterer'/sexual assailants, seek out a therapist, and discover your own ways of challenging yourself and your conceptions of how your behaviour effects others.

Understand that if you attempt to silence the person(s) by promoting your account of things as "the truth" you will silence others as well. People will fear coming forward with their stories and fear confronting abuse, because of YOUR silencing behaviour. If you are committed to creating a world where people speak freely about the wrongs done to them you will want to avoid focusing on how the accusers are "lying" about you, and you will want to avoid airing your presumptions and theories as to their "motives". One example off the top of my head is how one particular rapist/sexual assailant passed out a list of 40 points of contention at a punk show to refute the stories of three women calling him out. The flyer went on and on about the disparities between these women's stories and the "truth". This is one blatant example of silencing behaviour, but it can act in far more subtle ways.

Silencing behaviour is ANY behaviour which attempts to make the survivor of abuse out to the perpetrator of misinformation. It is any behaviour which attempts to make the abuser out to be the victim. It very quickly puts into question the character of the person calling out an abuser. Often it leads to a backlash against them both explicit (threats, harassment, violence) and implicit (endless questioning, non supportive behaviour i.e. "I don't want to get involved in this" or "I'm hearing a lot of different stories"). Silencing behaviour creates an atmosphere where people fear and don't call out their abusers, and therefore an atmosphere where abuse flourishes.

However, this does not mean that you should not speak of how you experienced the situation(s) differently from the other person(s) calling you out. It simply means that it is your responsibility to do so in a way that is respectful and that does not help to foster an atmosphere of silence around abuse. You may need to relate your experiences to those with which you have close friendships/working relationships and to those that approach you, but as I said above speak for yourself. Do not intersperse their account with yours to illustrate the inconsistencies that you perceive. Do not relate the person(s) stories for them. Do not go on and on about how they should have called you out in a different manner. Do not talk about their shortcomings in the relationship/ friendship. Do not cast yourself in the role of the victim of a "witch hunt" or "cointelpro". Do not assert that they are lying, and if your account differs from theirs make it clear that this is how you and only you account for your experiences(s) of the situation(s). Let what you say be limited exclusively to your recollection. If you feel the need to vent find a good person to vent to whose outside of your immediate social scene/community (if you look hard enough you might find a therapist willing to work with you on a sliding scale basis, preferably find one with a radical/feminist analysis) or someone outside the scene/community altogether (who you know for sure has not been a victim of abuse). If you honestly believe you are being falsely accused your character will have to speak for yourself rather then you speaking for your character.

8. Don't Hide Behind Your Friends

Often the people most vocal in defending abusers are not the abusers themselves, but their friends, comrades, and lovers. "But s/he's really a good person/activist/artist" or "S/he contributed so much to the community/scene" or "The person I know would never do something like that" are some common defensive reactions among many. If you feel that people are trying to insulate you from your problems or from questioning your actions....let them know that it isn't acceptable. You need to hear the criticisms and anger of the survivor(s) and their allies. As well you need to stop others from engaging in silencing behaviour. Let them know that if they truly care about you that instead of defending your character and reacting to the accusations they need to help you examine yourself and figure out ways of transforming dominating behaviours.

9.Respond To The Wishes of The Survivor and The Wishes Of The Community

Taking responsibility for our harmful actions is an integral part of the healing process. You will need to respond to the wishes of the survivor and the community not just for their healing, but yours as well. If s/he or they wish that you be suspended from certain projects/activities or that you engage in a batterers/assailants program or that you do book reports on books about ending rape and abuse or if they want you to do anything within the realm of possibility don't argue with them....give them what they ask for. You need to show the survivor and the community that you are acting in good faith and that you are ready to deal with your problems of abuse or at the very least that you are willing to sincerely investigate the possibility that you engaged in abusive behaviour. You need to show the survivor and the community that you respect their autonomy and their ability to make decisions that meet their needs and desires for safety, healing, and ending oppression. Again if you want to live in a world free of abuse,rape, and oppression you will support survivor autonomy and community self-determination even if you feel you are being "falsely accused". . Do not engage in the silencing behaviour of attacking the demands and process of the survivor(s) or the community. This is what abusers and their supporters typically do to create a smokescreen of issues to take the heat off of themselves.

10.Take Responsibility....Stop Abuse and Rape Before It Starts.

It takes a lot of courage and self-knowledge to admit that you've hurt someone, that you compromised their dignity and self worth, or that you used power over someone in the worst ways. It takes a lot of sincerity to make an apology without expecting to be applauded or thanked for it. However, this is what it will take to start overcoming our abusive tendencies. To know that you have wronged someone and to do otherwise is to perpetuate the hierarchy. It is to be more than simply complicit within it, but to actively support it. It will take honesty, diligent self investigation, and compassion to start to overcome our abusive tendencies. Once your able to admit that you have a problem with (sometimes or always) abusing people you can begin to learn how and why you do it. You can learn early warning signs that you're slipping back into old patterns, and you'll be better able to check yourself. My life has been a life of unlearning such patterns of abuse, of learning to reject the roles of both the abuser and the abused, and it is far from over. Bad habits are easily taken up again, and many times it is easy to assume that we are not wielding power over someone. We must persistently question this assumption just as we would demand that any assumption be questioned, lest it become dogma.

It is crucial that we learn to ask for consent from our sexual partners. It is crucial that we learn to recognize aggressive and passive aggressive abuse in its various emotional, economic, physical, and sexual manifestations, and that we stop it before it escalates to more severe and harmful levels. We need to call it out when we are aware of it in other people, as well as ourselves This process is a process of overcoming of oppression, of rejecting the roles of oppressor and oppressed. It is a path that leads to freedom, and a path that is formed by walking. Will you take the first step?

Faire le premier pas :
des suggestions pour les personnes accusees de comportement abusif
par wispy cockles
(publie a l'origine dans le numero de jan/fev de Clamor Magazine)


Introduction

Ce que vous voyez ici est encore en chantier et le sera surement toujours. j'ecris ceci pour encourager un dialogue et pour apporter des ressources aux personnes qui se retrouvent confrontees a cette situation difficile. je n'ecris pas ceci pour apporter des reponses qui conviendrai a chaque situation ou une personne est accusee d'abus. chaque situation aura des characteristiques uniques qui demanderont des reponses et des reactions uniques. ce que j'espere, c'est que cela provoquera un dialogue sur comment une personne accusee de viol, ou d'abus, ou d' agression sexuelle devrait se comporter en depit de ses sentiments de culpabilite ou d'innocence. en tant que communautes radicales nous devons avoir un dialogue complet sur comment gerer un comportement abusif, et ceci est un des courant a l'interieur de ce dialogue. nous devrions nous poser beaucoup de questions.
Quelles responsabilites est-ce que les accuses ont de maintenir un " processus de responsabilite " independamment de leurs sentiments de culpabilite ou d'innocence? En tant que survivant/es et en tant que communautes, comment faire pour qu'une personne abusive soit tenue responsable? Comment creons-nous des communautes fortes qui seront pretes a gerer des situations controversees difficiles sans se scinder en fractions ou s'effondrer? La priorite est-elle de determiner "culpabilite" ou "innocence", ou la priorite est-elle de creer un processus qui demande une responsabilite et une deconstruction des privileges?

Il y a certains aspects des dix suggestions que je voudrais tout d'abord eclaicir avant tout. Nous sommes dans un monde ou l'ecrasante majorite des abus se passe entre des hommes attaquant des femmes. C'est un phenomene patriarcal. Dans ce texte j'ai utilise le genre neutre il/elle. Je veux que les survivant/es qui sont en dehors du shema homme=agresseur/femme=survivante puissent etre inclus/es. je voudrais parler a tous/tes les agresseur/ses independamment de leur genre. Ceci n'est pas une tentative d'etouffer le fait que les agressions sont largement perpetuees par des hommes sur des femmes.

Egalement dans ce texte je m'adresse a des gens qui pensent avoir ete accuses a tort d'avoir fait ce dont ils/elles ont ete accuse/es. La raison pour laquelle je fais ceci est qu'on a besoin de parler aux gens qui sont dans le deni et qu'ils ont besoins d'etre tenus a des normes comportementales qui renforcent des idees de remise en question des privileges et de l'oppression. Cela va sans dire que dans la majorite des cas ou une personne a ete interpelee sur son comportement abusif, en fait, cette personne a eu un comportement abusif. Cependant il existe une minorite de cas ou une personne a ete accusee a tort.


Ces ecrits sont tires du contexte de mon experience personnelle d'avoir eu a gerer des accusations de comportement coercitif sexuel. Des accusations qui se sont revelees invalides plus tard, par les personnes que mes accusateurs/trices avaient cataloguee de " survivant/e " . Cependant il s'est bien passe trois mois durant lesquels, a cause de problemes de communications et de malentendus (un conseil : ne pas utiliser des emails pour communiquer sur des problemes serieux et emotionellement charges), j'ai reellement cru que j'etais accuse d'etre une personne manipulative a comportement sexuel coercitif. J'ai beaucoup creuse dans mon ame et conscience pour comprendre. Heureusement j'avais autour de moi des peronnes qui m'ont aidees pendant ce processus entre mes sentiments conflictuels pour gerer ces accusations effrayantes d'abus. Ceci est ma facon de rendre a ceux/celles qui m'ont tant donne, ainsi qu'a une communaute radicale qui m'inspire. C'est le resultat d'une experience vecue, tres reel et tres intense, face a des accusations d'abus, et les reflexions qui ont suivies.

Je voudrais ajouter qu'a mon avis, ces fausses accusations sont en elles-memes une forme d'abus emotionel. Cependant il est important de garder les choses en perspectives. Dans toutes les situations, lorsqu'une personne en denonce une autre pour abus, la priorite reside avec les besoins et les desirs de la personne se proclamant le/la survivant/e de l'abus. Et ce n'est pas juste par precaution, puisque les fausses accusations sont d'une rarete extreme, d'apres tout ce que j'ai entendu. Mais c'est pour soutenir les amorces de communautes qui croient en ceux/celles qui confrontent ceux/celles qui les blessent. C 'est pour soutenir ceux/celles qui sont en premiere ligne dans les luttes contre la hierarchie. Ces personnes qui ramenent la lutte a la maison, ou c'est le plus difficile, et dont le courage, s'ils/elles le veulent, devrait etre etale en couverture des journaux radicaux a cote des gens du black block qui font des rearrangements autour de la propriete. Leur militantisme ne les quitte pas lorsque la manif ou l'action est finie : ils/elles vivent avec.

Dix suggestions pour les personnes accusees de comportement abusif

1. Sois honnete, reste honnete, deviens honnete

Si tu sais que tu as fait du mal a la personne qui te denonce pour abus, admets le. Si tu penses qu'il y ai une possibilite que tu lui ai fais du mal, dis lui. Si tu soupconnes que dans la facon dont tu as agis avec elle/lui tu as compromis sa dignite et ses limites, fais lui savoir. Le premier pas pour gerer tes tendances abusives est de sortir du deni. le deni est comme une infection. Il commence localement (cas et situation specifique, tout doucement sur certaines parties du compte-rendu d'une situation) et s'il n'est pas soigne, s'etends et eventuellement nous consume entierement. Lorsque nous sommes capables d'exprimer que nous nous rendons compte qu'il y a quelque chose qui n'est pas tout a fait ok dans notre comportement, cela nous rapproche un peu plus des mesure a prendre, significativement et honnetement.

2. Respecte l'autonomie du/de la survivant/e

L'autonomie du/de la survivan/te cela veut dire que le/la survivant/te de l'abus, et cette personne seulement, decide de comment est geree la reponse a ce comportement abusif. Cela veut dire que cette personne decide et tu vis avec sa decision. Ce n'est pas a toi de determiner comment ni meme si il y a lieu d'une mediation/confrontation, ni meme d'initialiser une action qui va vers une resolution. Tu dois exprimer clairement que tu respectes son autonomie dans cette situation, et que tu es d'accord pour faire un travail qui va vers une resolution. Cette personne preferrera peut-etre ne plus jamais etre dans la meme piece que toi et ne souhaitera peut-etre pas te parler. Ce n'est pas de sa responsabilite ou de son devoir, de tenter une resolution ou d'initialiser un dialogue avec toi, ou de tenter n'importe quel genre d'action d'ailleurs. Cependant il est de ta responsabilite, en tant que personne accusee, de respecter ses besoins et ses desirs.

3. Apprends a ecouter

Il est imperatif que tu ouvres tes oreilles et ton coeur a la personne qui t'a denoncee. Cela sera surement difficile, parce que les gens accuses d'avoir mal fait ont tendances a etre sur la defensive et a se fermer. Il y a tres peu de gens dans le monde qui ont envie d'etre appele "la pomme pourrie du panier". Pour ecouter, il va te falloir laisser tes reactions defensives au vestiaire. Ces suggestions pourraient t'etre tres utiles :
A) laisse la personne qui t'a accusee diriger le dialogue. si elle veut que tu repondes a une question, fais-le, mais sinon laisse lui la parole.
B) Sois conscient/es des reponses que tu formules dans ta tete lorsque la personne est en train d'exprimer son compte-rendu de la situation telle qu'elle/il l'a vecue, et arretes de le faire.
C) Concentre-toi sur son compte-rendu des choses, epargnes toi de te rememorrer les evenements jusqu'a temps qu'il/elle ait fini de parler.
D) Reflechis sur la totalite de ce qu'il/elle a exprime et non pas juste sur les disparites entre ta version des faits et sa version des faits.
E) Parles avec tes ami/es sur comment mieux ecouter avant d'entrer dans une mediation/confrontation.

4. Pratique la patience

Parfois les choses prennent du temps avant d'etre resolues. Parfois cela prends des mois, des annees, des decenies pour qu'il y ait une resolution, et parfois il n'y a pas de resolution clairement definie. Cependant il n'y a pas de duree definie pour une resolution lorsqu'il s'agit de dignite humaine. Sois patient et ne tente jamais de forcer une resolution, un processus, un dialogue. Tu peux demander un dialogue ou une mediation, mais si la reponse est non, c'est non jusqu'a ce qu'il/elle dise que c'est ok. N'essaye pas de fatiguer la patience de la personne qui t'a denoncee en demandant un dialogue ou une mediation encore et encore. Reste en attente, reflechis, et pense aux dynamiques de pouvoir que tu as instaure dans tes relations avec les autres.

5. Ne jamais, jamais, rejeter la responsabilite sur la victime

Il/elle n'a pas demande cette violence ou cet abus. Il/elle ne l'a pas demande par la facon dont il/elle etait habille/e. Il/elle ne l'a pas demande parce qu'il/elle etait sous l'influence de l'alcool ou de drogues. Il/elle ne l'a pas demande parce qu'il/elle est un/e travailleur/euse du sexe. Il/elle ne l'a pas demande parce qu'il/elle a decide se sortir avec toi ou parce qu'il/elle est venu/e chez toi ou parce qu'il/elle est connu/e pour etre dans le S/M ou parce que il/elle est un/e allumeur/euse ou parce qu'il/elle est une trainee. Il/elle ne l'a pas demande, en aucune facon.
Il n'est pas acceptable de rejeter sa reaction a ton comportement en disant qu'il/elle est "hypersensible" face a ton soit-disant comportement abusif menacant. Il n'est pas acceptable de dire qu'il/elle exagere l'abus, parce qu'il/elle est feministe/queer/libertaire/activiste/punk/jeune/politiquement correct/etc.. Il n'est pas acceptable de dire qu'il/elle ment, parce qu'il/elle a un passe d'abus ou n'importe quel autre genre d'absurdite. Fabriquer des excuses pour expliquer pourquoi une personne est condamnable pour tes actions blessantes est une facon pour toi d'eviter d'assumer la responsabilite de tes actions puantes. Cela revele ta lachete.

6. Parle pour toi

Tu peux faire un compte-rendu de ton experience, et ton experience seulement. Tu ne peux jamais pretendre savoir comment la personne qui t'a appellee un agresseur a vecue la situation. Il y a des gens qui marchent dans la meme rue tous les jours et en ont des experiences differentes. C'est un simple fait de la vie. C'est aussi tres different d'avoir les vents du privilege qui te soufflent dans le dos plutot que d'avoir les vents de l'oppression qui te soufflent dans la face alors que tu marches dans cette meme rue. Tu ne peux pas savoir comment une personne s'est sentie a un certain moment, et tu ne devrais jamais pretendre que tu as le droit de juger la validite de leurs sentiments. Il/elle a exprime/e comment il/elle se sentait et ce que tu dois faire, tout d'abord et surtout, c'est d'ecouter. Il est important que tu cherches activement a comprendre leurs sentiments. Si tu trouves que tu ne peux tout simplement pas comprendre leurs sentiments meme en essayant sincerement, tu n'as quand meme toujours pas le droit de juger de la validite de leurs sentiments.

7. Ne t'engage pas dans un comportement qui reduit au silence

En racontant "ta version de l'histoire" tu risques de mettre en place un climat qui reduit au silence les gens qui ont ete abuses. Si tu trouves qu'il y a des divergences enormes entre ta version et sa/leur version des faits, et que tu as ete injustement accuse a tort, respire un bon coup. D'abord sache que tu ne peux jamais sincerement arreter d'essayer de comprendre et de te questionner sur la facon dont ton comportement touche les autres...c'est une histoire sans fin. Avec le temps tu te rendras peut-etre compte que oui, en fait, ton comportement etait abusif. C'est ta responsabilite de continuellement remettre en question tes notions en ce qui concerne la facon dont ton comportement a des consequences sur les autres, et de remettre en question ce que tu comprends par rapport a la facon dont tu excerce un pouvoir sur les autres dans tes relations. Lis des livres, fais partie d'un programme qui s'occupe des gens qui tapent sur les autres et les agresseurs/euses sexuel/les, demande a faire une therapie, et decouvre ta propre facon de te remettre en question, toi, tes conceptions, et comment ton comportement affecte les autres.

Comprends que si tu tente de reduire au silence des gens en promulgant un compte-rendu des evenements comme etant "la verite", tu reduiras d'autres personne au silence aussi. Les gens auront peur de sortir de l'ombre avec leurs histoires et auront peur de confronter un abus, a cause de TON comportement qui reduit au silence. Si tu veux creer un monde ou les gens peuvent parler librement des torts qui leur ont ete faits, il vaudra mieux que tu evites de souligner le fait que les gens qui t'accusent sont en train de "mentir" sur toi, et tu devras essayer d'eviter de parler des suppositions et des theories que tu as quand a leurs "motivations". Un exemple qui me vient a l'esprit concerne un agresseur sexuel/violeur qui a fait passer une liste contenant 40 points de desaccord pendant un concert punk pour refuter les histoires des trois femmes qui l'avaient denoncees. Ce tract insistait bien sur les disparites entre les histoires de ces femmes et la "verite". C'est un exemple flagrant de comportement qui reduit au silence, mais il peut aussi etre plus subtil.

Un comportement qui reduit au silence est aussi TOUT comportement qui tente de presenter le/la survivant/e de l'abus comme etant l'auteur/e de fausses informations. C'est aussi tout comportement qui essaye de presenter l'agresseur/se comme etant la victime. Tres rapidement cela remet en question la personalite de la personne qui a denonce un/e agresseur/se. Souvent cela mene a un retour de flamme de deux facons; l'une explicite (menace, harcelement, violence) et l'autre implicite (questionnements sans fin, reactions non supportive par exemple : "je ne veux pas etre impliquee dans cette histoire" ou bien "j'entends plein de versions differentes"). Un comportement qui reduit au silence cree un climat ou les gens ont peur de denoncer leur agresseur/se, et donc cree un climat ou les abus prosperent.

Cependant cela ne veut pas dire que tu ne devrais pas parler de la facon dont tu as vecu la/les situation/s differement de ce que la/les personnes qui t'a/ont accuse l'a/ont decrit. Cela veut simplement dire qu'il en est de ta responsabilite de le faire avec respect en evitant de creer un climat de silence autour de l'abus. Tu auras peut-etre besoin de parler de tes experiences a tes ami/es proches ou a tes relations en cours et a ceux/celles qui te contactent, mais comme je l'ai dit deja dit, parle pour toi-meme. Ne compare pas leur compte-rendu avec le tien pour mieux en souligner les differences que tu percois. Ne racontes pas leur/s histoire/s a leur place. Ne repete pas encore et encore comment ces personnes auraient du te denoncer d'une autre facon. Ne parle pas de leurs defauts au sein de la relation/amitie. Ne te mets pas dans la position de victime d'une "chasse a la sorciere". Ne soutiens pas que ces personnes mentent, et si les versions divergent, exprime clairement que le compte-rendu que tu donnes est celui d'une experience selon ce que toi, et toi seulement, a vecu. Fais en sorte que ce que tu dises se limite exclusivement a ce dont tu te souviens. Si tu epprouves le besoin de te soulager par la parole, trouve une personne avec qui le faire en dehors de ton entourage immediat social ou de ta scene (en cherchant bien, tu pourras trouver un/e therapiste qui acceptera de travailler a prix moderes, de preference quelqu'un qui a une approche analytique radical et/ou feministe) ou bien quelqu'un completement en dehors de la scene et de la communaute (qui pour sur n'a pas ete victime d'abus elle/lui-meme). Si tu penses honnetement que tu es accuse a tort, alors au lieu de parler de ta personnalite, laisse ta personnalite parler d'elle-meme.

8. Ne te cache pas derriere tes ami/es

Souvent les personnes qui prennent energiquement la defense des agresseurs/euses ne sont pas les agresseurs/euses meme, mais leurs ami/es, camarades, et amant/es. Par exemple : "Mais c'est vraiment une personne gentille, un bon activiste/artiste" ou bien "il/elle a tellement contribue pour la communaute/scene" ou bien "La personne que je connais ne ferait jamais une chose pareille" ; ce sont des reactions de defense tres banales parmis tant d'autres. Si tu penses que des gens sont en train de t'isoler de tes problemes ou de t'empecher de te remettre en question...fais-leur comprendre que c'est inacceptable. Tu as besoin d'entendre les critiques et la colere des survivant/es et de leurs allie/es. De meme, tu as besoin d'empecher les autres de declencher des comportements qui reduisent au silence. Dis leur que si ils/elles se font du souci pour toi, au lieu de defendre ta personne et de reagir aux accusations, ils/elles feraient mieux de t'aider a faire ton auto critique pour trouver des facons de transformer tes comportements dominants.

9. Reponds aux souhaits du/de la survivant/e et aux souhaits de la communaute

Accepter la responsabilite pour tes actions blessantes fait partie integrale du processus de guerison. Tu auras besoin de repondre aus souhaits des survivant/es et de la communaute non seulement pour leur guerison mais aussi pour la tienne. Si ils/elles souhaitent que tu arretes certaines de tes activites/projets et que tu t'inscrives dans un programme pour personnes qui battent/agressent ou bien que tu fasses des compte-rendu de livres qui parlent d'en finir avec le viol et les abus, ou bien que tu fasses quoi que ce soit dans le domaine du possible, ne proteste pas...fais ce qu'on te demande. Tu as besoin de montrer au/a la survivant/e et a la communaute que tu agis de bonne foi et que tu es pret a gerer tes problemes d'abus ou bien du moins que tu es sincerement d'accord pour examiner la possibilite que tu t'es comporte de facon abusive.
Tu as besoin de montrer au/a la survivant/e et a la communaute que tu respectes leur autonomie et leur capacite a prendre une decision qui reponds a leurs besoins et leurs desirs de securite, de guerison, et de mettre fin a l'oppression. Une fois encore, si tu veux vivre dans un monde sans abus, sans viol et sans oppression, tu devras apporter ton soutien a l'autonomie du/de la survivant/e et a la determination de la communaute, meme si tu penses que tu as ete accuse a tort. Ne te lance pas dans une attitude comportementale qui reduit au silence en t'attaquant aux besoins et au processus que les survivant/es et la communaute ont demandes. C'est ce que les agresseurs/euses et leurs supporters font typiquement en creant un ecran de fumee autour d'autres sujets pour detourner et minimiser le vrai probleme.

10. Assume la responsabilite....Arrete un abus ou un viol avant qu'il ne commence

Cela demande beaucoup de courage et une connaissance de soi-meme pour admettre qu'on a blesse quelqu'un, qu'on a compromis leur dignite et leur amour-propre, ou qu'on s'est servi d'une authorite sur quelqu'un de la pire des facons. Cela demande beaucoup de sincerite de demander pardon sans s'attendre a etre applaudi ou remercie. Cependant, c'est ce qu'il faut faire pour commencer a depasser nos tendances abusives. Savoir que tu as fait du tort a quelqu'un mais le faire quand meme c'est perpetuer la hierarchie. Non seulement tu reproduis un shema mais tu le confortes activement. Cela te demandera de l'honnetete, une auto-critique minutieuse et de la compassion pour commencer a depasser tes comportements abusifs. Une fois que tu seras capable d'admettre que tu as un probleme parce que tu (parfois ou toujours) agresses les gens, tu pourras commencer a comprendre comment et pourquoi tu fais ca. Tu peux apprendre a guetter les signes quand tu retombe dans de vieilles habitudes, et ce sera plus facile de t'arreter. Toute ma vie j'ai appris a desapprendre des shemas d'abus, a rejetter les roles d'agresseur/euse et d'agresse/e, et c'est loin d'etre fini. On reprends facilement des mauvaises habitudes, et bien des fois il est facile de croire qu'on n'exerce aucun pouvoir sur quelqu'un. Nous devons constamment remettre en question ce que nous considerons comme nos acquis, de meme que remettre en question tous les acquis, pour eviter de tomber dans le dogme.

Il est crucial que nous apprenions a demander un consentement a nos partenaires sexuels. Il est crucial que nous apprenions a reconnaitre des abus agressifs et/ou passifs agressifs, que ce soit emotionnellement, economiquement, physiquement et sexuellement; et que nous arretions avant que nos comportements empirent jusqu'a porter prejudice. Nous devons le denoncer lorsque nous le voyons chez d'autres personnes, ainsi qu'en nous-meme. Ce processus est celui de depasser l'oppression, de rejeter les roles d'oppresseur/euse et d'oppresse/e. C'est le chemin qui mene a la liberte, et un chemin que l'on construit en marchant. Feras-tu le premier pas?


wispy cockles habite a Richmond, en Virginie, USA. Il fait partie du Richmond Queer Space Project et fais tourner des disques avec la 215noise crew. Il peut etre contacte a 120 w marshall st ou par email wispy@defenestrator.org

The nature of this content could trigger victims of sexual assualt, so please be aware of that if you plan to read this fully.

This collection of statements is being distributed to inform the community that charges have been filed for aggravated sexual assault against Kael T. Block on July 26th 2006 in San Francisco. At the time of printing this Kael knows of these charges and has since been in hiding.
Members of our immediate community have reacted to this in various ways, an art show has been cancelled, support has been pulled out of projects, xxboys have pulled out of the project, and people have decided not to work with, or model for Kael. We want people to have all the facts straight and not base actions or opinions on rumor or hearsay, so we are distributing these definite statements.
In these statements we remain anonymous for safety, and because we are public artists in the community whose names are important to represent our art, and because we are very personal in our accounts. Our friends and community know we are truthful individuals and chose in various ways to not support Kael, we thank them for all kinds of support. We want to make it clear that we are not trying to censor or ruin Kael's art or career, he just happens to be a high profile artist, along with being a sexual predator, and we believe people should be informed of that before supporting him and his art. Trans men deserve to be able to make an educated decision about the true nature of the person behind the xxboy project before they sign their souls away on a model contracts dotted line, and future sexual partners of Kael's deserve to be informed of our previous experiences and the pain he caused us. Also, we are NOT at all trans-phobic! We live with tran smen, have romances and strong friendships with trans men, and all believe in and create art that fights for positive trans visibility.
We also fully believe that the accused deserves a voice, but we simply will not pay for it to be printed and included in this collection. Kael has issued an online statement, which if interested you can find through his Internet page(s). That being said we would like to explain that our statements include details about things Kael may have said to us or emailed to us that expose the true nature of his character, because Kael's statement is full of blatant lies and we want to address that. Kaels statement is chiefly a series of excuses used to create empathy for him and it was created with the help of outside voices that are guiding him to shape defenses for what is not in fact his true ideas or lifestyle. For instance, Kael claims he is a feminist, he says this most current accusation of rape was just misunderstanding and he forgot to use safe words. Statement 3 includes direct quotes from Kael that he is not a feminist and doesn't believe in safe words. Kael has lied to these elders that he is simply a BDSM top and doesn't know yet how to negotiate safe words. This is total bullshit.
Kael attempts to paint a picture for people who do not personally know the most recent rape survivor that this relationship was some sort of loving BDSM exchange. The rape victim was not in any sort of loving relationship with Kael, she barely knew him and it is very obvious if you know her that she does not practice BDSM, or even know what it is exactly. The point is that if Kael wanted to play out rape or BDSM fantasies our community offers plenty of safe places to do so, and Kael has enough friends in this community that there is no way that he did not know of these places he could explore these fantasies. Kael chose instead to repeatedly seek out sexual encounters in which he can takes advantages of women in a predatory manner. He does not seek BDSM or "safe word" negotiated relationships.
Each of our experiences are unique, but are unified in the fact that we all feel we were sexually violated by Kael T. Block. Speaking out about this is the most responsible and powerful action imaginable.


Statement #1
I believe that my truth needs to be clearly told due to Kael's vague and dishonest statement, which has been posted now on Craigslist and Myspace. When I read his statement I was appalled and sick to my stomach. I felt as if other peoples posts about the situation were solely about what happened between Kael and I, but his retort was a strange fusion of many different relationships he has previously had with other women. This was also jumbled up with all of the politics of the queer community's mixed responses after being informed of a sexual predator in their midst. As important as the politics that have been exposed in our tight-knit queer community in San Francisco are- the situation that initially sparked this fire was what happened between Kael and I: RAPE

This is the truth of why I pressed charges against Kael T. Block:

Kael was staying in my home as a guest of one of my roommates. I had moved in 1.5 months before. Kael has stated that he and I had an "established relationship," which is not true; we never had an established sexual relationship at all. He is just trying to make it seem like what happened between us was just a miscommunication between lovers. We were NOT lovers and were never in love. The extent of our relationship was just seeing each other a few times a week when my roommates and I were all in the communal space, watching television, using the internet, smoking cigarettes, drinking beer, and eating each others' food. Kael and I never hung out outside of the house.
The deal with my house is that the roommates hang out in the communal area. I've never invited anyone into my room, and they've never invited me into theirs. My room mates and I cuddle on the couches, put arms around each other, hug each other, and I give them all goodnight pecks on their cheeks and foreheads when I retire for the night- that's just the type of person I am and that's just the type of 'family' we are. I live in what my queer community has playfully nicknamed, "The Tranny Frat House," and my roommates are like my brothers.
The week my girlfriend and I broke up I was in an emotionally vulnerable state and Kael and I sat on the couch and watched Law & Order. We ended up kissing, which led to making out and then a brief sexual encounter that was interrupted shortly by one of my roommates walking in. We laughed it off for what it was: a mistake between acquaintances.
The next night I turned to Kael for relationship advice, which he gave me, as a friend. It seemed that the slip up between Kael and I the night before was just what it was, a slip up, and we hung out in the house like before, continuing to be part of the house 'family', with all roommates hanging out in the common area with no sexual interaction between Kael and I at all.
Late that Thursday night/ early Friday morning Kael raped me. I had gone to sleep at 12:30am, because I had to be up the next morning at 6:45 to get ready for work. I had a few beers that night and smoked a lot of cigarettes in the living room, before I retired for the night, alone to my bedroom. I crawled into bed and went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to someone in my doorway behind my bed. I thought it was one of my roommates entering my room to get something off of my dresser, or returning something they had borrowed. I didn't pay attention to who it was and I rolled back over on the bed, on my left side, in the fetal position. I was awoken next by a startlingly cold liquid (which I now know was Lubricant) being smeared on my vagina, and my right leg apparently being held bent by someone's hand, because I couldn't move it. I was penetrated fast and hard in my vagina by a large synthetic cock that was strapped onto whomever was on top of me, putting their entire amount of weight on my hips, not letting me move my legs. I clearly asked, "What are you doing?" Then, I CLEARLY ASKED HIM TO STOP. I ASKED HIM TO STOP MORE THAN ONCE. I was not used to this sort of penetration. I had never been penetrated with a dildo, and hadn't even used a vibrator in over a year. I hadn't had any hetero
sexual relations in almost 2 years. I WAS NOT ASKED IF THIS PENETRATION WAS OKAY WITH ME.
I was woken up from a deep sleep by Kael's forceful entry. My eyes watered and I repeatedly said, "Please Stop." I attempted to put my hands on his shoulders but I found myself weak against his body weight and intent. I pushed on his shoulders, but he came closer and put his hand through my
necklace, clenched his fist around it and pulled tight. The necklace was sort of like a piece of shoelace so it cut off my breath. I choked out again, "Please Stop," before my eyelids filled with color and my face felt cold. I had started to pass out and was possibly out for what seemed like a few seconds. He penetrated me once again and I remember my head kept hitting the wall behind me. I tried to twist my torso to the side to cut off his
ability to penetrate me anymore, and I put my hand on the wall to protect my head. After about 5 minutes of the invasion of MY BODY Kael pulled out abruptly and got up and said casually, "Have a good day at work." I looked back at him leaving my room as saw him grab the bottle of lube from the floor and that he was wearing only the t-shirt he had been wearing earlier that night and a strap on dildo.
If what happened to me, telling Kael to stop but to no avail, begging him to stop but to only have him to continue with more force, having him enter my room with without my permission, but equipped with the sex toys to penetrate me, well then, if that isn't rape I do not know what is.
I got up an hour and a half later and went to my job, visibly shaken up. I was online at work and I saw on Myspace that Kael had posted a bulletin about needing to find a place to stay for the months of August and September for him and his girlfriend. All I knew is that I wanted him out of the house as quickly as possible. The incident the night before was so fresh and confusing that I didn't know what steps I was going to take or if I could
talk to anyone about it (It was complicated by the fact that I didn't want to hurt my ex who I was trying to work things out with, and was unsure she would understand the previous interaction with Kael) I responded to Kael's post and the communication between us went as follows:
Me: Do you want me to repost this?
Kael: YES! THAT WOULD BE GREAT! (Youre not angry with me for rapping you?)
Me: rapping?
Kael: raping
Me: I asked you to stop and would have appreciated it if you had.
Kael: Oh Im sorry! Ill make you forgive me, promees.

I knew what he meant when he typed raping incorrectly, but my head was still very confused that the situation had actually even happened, from someone I had previously felt safe and comfortable with staying as a guest in my home. I forwarded Kael's message via Myspace in which he admitted to raping me to a couple of close friends of mine for advice. Later, I decided to also turn to one of my roommates for advice. I felt I needed to talk to someone for some sort of mental proof of what had happened to me. I asked the people I confided with to not make a big deal about it, because I didn't know how I was going to handle it. Should I go to the cops? Should I call a hotline? Should I keep this quiet in fear of humiliation? All I knew is I was NOT OKAY with what happened. I wasn't asked if it was what I wanted. I wasn't asked for permission to enter my room and I most definitely was not in a comfortable friendship or relationship with Kael enough where he would know what I like or do not like without any sort of prior communication.
Within the next few days a handful of women contacted me who had heard about the incident, from the queer community rumor mill. More specifically these women were told by people who knew they had also had bad experiences with Kael in the past or even very recently. They contacted me by phone and email and said similar things happened to them. It was then when I started truly evaluating what harm could occur if I did not take action. This had happened to women before me? How many more women had he done this to? Also, how many more women has this happened to by others and were as confused as I was about what it was? I know how awful I felt and it only happened to me once. Could I make it through MY healing process knowing by my being quiet, another person could feel this pain and discomfort as well?
If I would have known that Kael had done this before, I would NOT have been okay with him staying in my house and THAT IS MY CHOICE. THIS IS MY HOME. THIS IS MY BODY. THESE ARE MY TERMS, and Kael raping me was NOT OKAY.
YOU, should have the right to make the decision to associate yourself with Kael on your terms as well. One reason I am making this statement is so you can have an educated decision, one that I was NOT given the opportunity to make.
I hope that all the women who have come forward, and all the women who do not feel comfortable coming forward- who have been raped, violated or assaulted by Kael, or another person seeks help. I hope that Kael seeks professional help as well.

-anonymous rape survivor


STATEMENT #2
I was once involved in a relationship with Kael T. Block. It began in the Summer of 2003 when I met him in SF. In December 2003 I went to visit with him in Paris, and it was when I was on his turf that the dynamic of our relationship completely changed. He expected me to be subservient to him, and when I made it obvious I would not be then he enjoyed belittling, humiliating, and fighting with me. I learned a lot about his true character during this trip, and I remember he would say things that really disturbed me. I looked to my old journal to find a direct quote I jotted down. A girl at his school had teased him in away that made him very angry and he told me," I want to bend her over the toilets and fuck her till her forehead is bloodied by the mirror."
The week before I left Kael and Paris for good we had two fights that ended in Kael sexually assaulting me. This was two and a half years ago, but I remember vividly how much he fucked with my head and body. It still gives me anxiety to recall everything. I will focus on two incidents I remember specifically for this statement. In both these situations Kael forced sex on me when he knew I was pissed at him and very obviously did not want it. We fought and then Kael used physical and sexual assault to assert power over me. He pinned my arms, pried apart my legs and continued even when I yelled, no, no, no, no, Fuck Off, and etcetera. In the second incident I remember he got super pissed off at me and pinned me beneath him, only defense with my hands pinned was to bite him hard on the shoulder, which got him madder. He forced me to have sex and held my head back so he could spit directly into my face in a very violent manner.
These were not lovers games we played or some sort of "make-up sex." In these incidents I was forced into sex when I clearly did not want to even be near him. There is no way that Kael could have been confused into thinking I wanted to have sex with him, I yelled no like a mantra, struggled, fought back, and used all of my strength to fight him. We didn't explore any heavy role-play or S&M in our relationship, or even talk about a possible future of exploring such things. These incidents were not sex games they were Kael using sexual dominance to assault me.
I broke it off with Kael the night before I left because I was scared to do it prior while I was still staying with him. Still, the way he had treated me affected me for a long time afterwards. For more then six months after that I could not have a sexual encounter without being in complete and total control the entire time. When it came to my next serious intimate relationship we waited a while to have sex because the first time I was with her she said she could feel how much my last partner had fucked me up sexually.
Oh, I should include that I had another incident with Kael a year after we broke up when I was at a club and he pinned me to a wall and shoved his hand in my skirt, and into my pussy. I had a girlfriend at the time and he knew this, and that I was not at all interested in him. My best friend witnessed this and she said, "Get the fuck off of her." Kael then said, "You know you liked it," and walked away.
Over the past few years I have told my close friends that I felt Kael sexually assaulted me and I have always voiced a strong opinion against his projects. I knew he was a bad person but I wasn't fully aware of what he was capable of until just last week when I got a phone call from a friend telling me that Kael had in fact raped someone. I felt awful for not being able to tell the entire world about my experiences with Kael, because that might of saved this girl emotional trauma. I now believe that Kael's assaults have grown braver and more predatory, because his sense of power has grown with each violation that he has gotten away with. This has led up to this latest incident, in which Kael has very blatantly and intentionally committed rape and responded in a delusional manner with defenses such as, "my conscious is clear."
Now there is a collective group of voices and Kael can not deny that his actions are negatively affecting women. I truly hope that Kael can someday understand how much hurt he has caused sexual partners, for the sake of his future partners and himself, and that he admits he has a problem so he can heal himself. One of his "elder' advisors recently informed me that some of Kaels excuses were that in France they don't have the same rape issues, or also that Kael is attempting to read up and learn how to be a better BDSM top, and also that Kael's current crime was just an accident in which safe words weren't negotiated. To that I say along with all these other women's voices in these statements, that NO, NO, NO, NO is a pretty fucking universal safe word for everyone, loud and clear.


STATEMENT #3
My personal experience with Kael is based on only knowing him for 4 days. After we hooked up the first time, he stayed at my house for 4 days before I insisted on having my personal space back. In general, he seemed like a nice boy, but i had some serious issues with the things he said. He told me (direct quote) that he "hated feminists" because they called him misogynist. He told me that his "biggest fantasy" was a "rape fantasy," and that he didn't like to use safe words. He said all of this to me before the last time I slept with him.
The last time I slept with Kael, I asked him for anal penetration with fingers. I had told him I was an anal virgin to create a virginal-like fantasy, but joked about whether or not I was serious. He did that to me and then I told him I was done. I also told him that I was in fact not an anal virgin, and that I had never had anal sex with a dick. He replied that he was going to, "punish me for lying to him" by fucking my ass with his dick. He didn't listen to me when I told him I didn't want him to. He proceeded to pin me down, put all of his weight on me, and penetrate my ass with a dick that was far to large and despite the fact that it was non-consensual in the first place. I managed to push him out of me ,and off from on top of me. After the fact, I told him that what he did was wrong. At the time I forgave him, although I stopped seeing him romantically the next day.
After hearing that Kael a week later raped another girl, I've decided to come out and share my experience. Since then I have received two harrasatory emails from him. Here are some quotes from these emails:

Kael's email to me #1

"are you mad because i didn't want to be more than friend? is that what is it????? or are you to concenr about your selfimage than ooops its' not that trendy anymore to fuck kael t block???"

Kael's email to me # 2

" you had it bad, definitely, in regard of what your doing now.....!!! think twice before doing anything illegal, i am really certain that you are really interested in your carrier and popularity. this isn't going to lead you anywhere if this is your goal, you're so shallow. you were licking my balls until a few days ago, why would you come back with sweet treat for me if i was such a bad person oh yeah...?? i think what pissed you out is that i didn't have sex with you anymore. you're a really ugly person. talk about star fuckers right. i can't believe i got anything near you after all i've been told."


And to wrap it up, here is a post we really loved:

As a woman, as a femme inist, and as a photographer in this community this situation and all these damned postings have brought up more than a few things for me:

1. I am tired of seeing everyone just copy and paste bulletins written by other people without expressing their own feelings about what is being said or even saying if you agree with some or all of what is being said. It has actually been making me feel quite ill and made me contemplate leaving myspace. It makes me sad that we are all so afraid to say what we feel that we feel more safe copying and pasting someone else's words instead of creating our own dialogs. Although I do have to admit that I can understand the very valid fear of backlash.

2. I know that rape is a serious accusation and that dealing with such an accusation is a very complicated issue and that if you were not there and you do not know the accuser or accusee well, it is difficult to make an informed decision. That being said, many of us believe that if this were a guy who had a reputation for respecting women more people may have remained neutral. I also personally know many women who can fully believe that this atrocity happened because they too have had experiences with this person where they feel they have been disrespected, mistreated and/or abused that they have come forward with. These other girls also have friends who trust them that they have shared their experiences with. So, these people in turn also have no problem believing. THIS MAKES FOR A LOT OF INFORMED PEOPLE. Now I am going to do a 180 and say I also understand that it is many of these people who have just copied and pasted the bulletins because they wanted to preserve anonymity. Postings by "visible" members of our community begrudging people for taking a stance before the facts come out fail to see that many of us do have informed opinions. Further more this quote " the deliberate attempt to destroy people accused of rape who have no recourse in their community is an ongoing thing for the last decade in a half, and none of the people I know whom this has happened to, all artists, had a chance to speak. They are all feminists. They are not the enemy referring to people accused of rape as being feminists" really piss me off, particularly in regards to this case. Also, no one is stopping Kael from speaking. I think many people would be willing to at least listen to what he has to say. and I agree with a friend who posted "just because you fuck femmes doesn't make you a feminist." also, MOST people accused of rape HAVE committed rape. it takes alot for a woman to stand up to a rapist. JUST LOOK AT THIS KIND OF PUBLIC SCRUTINY SHE FACES. and I know women who have been treated very poorly by this person so we can hardly call him feminist! ALSO I have talked to women who did not come forward before because they felt they had no recourse in their community. They were afraid of this very backlash. well here it is. IT'S TIME FOR SOME REAL "FEMME INISM" PEOPLE!

3. If a woman says she was raped there are so many reasons we first just need to support her I could probably write a whole book about that subject but I will just keep it at that.

4. Since this has all happened, many girls that I know personally have come forward about how they feel Kael had treated them poorly. It has been quite shocking really that so many girls had bad experiences that they kept relatively silent and that this person managed to have the support of so many of us and the support of our community businesses even! This type of treatment of women alone would have been enough for me to not support his projects had I known- especially the one's where women were being photographed. The portrayal of women in XX Boys has always made me a little uncomfortable. In the past I have had discussions with different "femme" women about how we feel about it and have heard such things as "its sexist and offensive" to "does it have to be sexist, cant it just be sex?" Kael and I had very recently been talking about photo collaborations since we're both photographers shooting within the same scene, working on the same films... and had planned on meeting very soon and talking more about the projects and I was going to bring up some of these issues that were bothering me but did not get the chance to before the shit hit the fan.

5. This whole situation is very heartbreaking. I think that photo projects done by members of the communities that they are shooting are VERY IMPORTANT and should be supported, but we have to not be afraid to say anything if we feel like they misrepresent or stereotype any of us. Because while it is cool to have a photo project that empowers some of us, it is not worth if it does it at the expense of others among us. I really feel for the guys and girls whose photos are in XX Boys who do not support the project now but may have no recourse to have their photos removed. That sucks.

__

Re: Sexual Predator in the SF Dyke/FTM Scene
hi there
juts to let you know that
I am glad to see people responding and trying to clear up the situation re kael T Block
I know it is a very complicated issue but I have to say that i've been astonished to see this lynn breddlove saying that for once she was unable after having cut so many rubber dick in public and for fun???? just being unable to get political when it comes to cut kael'one... I ve lived in France for a while. I can tell that it is not the first time Kael has been blocked : meaning being unable to leave the country for ver y serious reasons. Kael has been convicted in France cz he simply stabbed a lover with a cutter. Two years ago charges have been filed against him by a French Female director who got severely beaten up by him. Please repost and spread the news.

A cause de ce que la nature du contenu pourrait provoquer chez des victimes d'agression sexuelle. SVP faites attention si vous decidez de lire ce qui suit entierement.

Cette collection de temoignages a ete distribuee pour informer la communaute que des plaintes ont ete portees pour violences sexuelles avec voies de fait contre kael t block le 26 juillet 2006 a San francisco. au moment ou j'ecris, kael est au courant de ces plaintes et se cache depuis.
les personnes dans l'entourage immediat au sein de la communaute ont reagis de facons differentes, une expo a ete annulee, le soutien a ete retire de projets, des XXboys se sont retires du projet, et des gens ont decides de ne pas bocer ou poser pour kael. nous voulons que les gens aient tous les faits clairement pour ne pas baser leurs actions ou opinions sur des rumeurs ou des bruits de chiottes, donc nous distribuons ces temoignages definitifs.

Dans ces temoignages nous restons anonymes par precaution, et parce que nous sommes des artistes publiques dans la communaute et nos noms sont importants parce qu'ils representent notre art, et parce que nous livrons des temoignages tres intimes. nos amis et la communaute savent que nous sommes des personnes qui disent la verite, et pour cela ont choisis de facons differentes de ne pas donner leur soutien a kael, et nous les remercions de nous soutenir. nous voulons specifier que nous ne sommes pas en train d'essayer de censurer ou ruiner l'art de kael ou sa carriere, il se trouve qu'il est un artiste a succes tout en etant un predateur sexuel, et nous pensons que les gens doivent savoir ca avant de le soutenir, lui et son art. les hommes trans meritent de pouvoir prendre une decision informee quand a la vraie nature de la personne derriere le projet XXboys avant de signer un pacte sur les lignes pointillees d'un contrat, et les futurs partenaires sexuels de kael meritent d'etre informes quand a nos experiences passees et la souffrance qui en a resultee. et aussi, nous ne sommes PAS du tout trans-phobes! nous vivons avec des hommes trans, nous avons des idylles et des amities tres fortes avec des hommes trans, et nous croyons et nous nous demenons pour creer un art qui se bat pour une visibilite trans positive.

Nous pensons aussi que l'accuse merite d'exprimer son opinion, mais nous ne desirons pas qu'elle soit imprimee et incluse dans ce communique. kael a fait un communique sur le net, si cela vous interresse vous pouvez le trouver sur ses pages internet. ceci etant dit, nous voulons expliquer que dans nos temoignages, nous avons inclu des choses que kael nous a dit ou ecrit, et qui revelent la veritable nature de sa personalite, parce que le communique de kael est rempli de mensonges ehontes et nous voulons y remedier. Le communique de kael est principalement compose d'une serie d'excuses utilisees pour generer de la sympathie, ce communique a ete cree avec l'aide de personnes exterieures qui l'aident a constituer une defense alors qu'il ne s'agit pas de ses vraies idees et de son vrai style de vie.
Par exemple, kael se proclame feministe, il dit que l'accusation la plus recente de viol etait un malentendu, et qu'il a oublie de demander une approbation verbale. dans le temoignage numero 3, kael est cite au mot a mot, il n'est pas feministe et ne croit pas en l'approbation verbale. kael a menti en disant qu'il fait parti de la scene BDSM (NDLT Bondage Discipline Domination Submission Sadisme Masochisme) en tant que dominant et qu'il ne sait pas encore comment negocier l'accord verbal.
c'est une pure connerie.

kael essaye de decrire la survivante la plus recente des viols aux gens qui ne la connaissent pas, comme une personne avec qui il a eu une relation de l'ordre d'un echange amoureux dans un contexte BDSM. la victime du viol n'etait en aucun cas dans une relation amoureuse avec kael, elle le connaissait a peine, et il est parfaitement evident, si vous la connaissez, qu'elle n'est pas praticante BDSM, ni meme qu'elle sait vraiment ce que c'est. tout ca pour dire que si kael voulait recreer un fantasme sexuel de viol BDSM, il y a pleins d'endroits designes et safe dans notre communaute pour faire ca, et il a suffisament d'amis dans la communaute pour le savoir, c'est impossible qu'il ne sache pas ou aller pour pouvoir explorer ses fantasmes. au contraire, kael a choisi de facon repetee de rechercher comme un predateur des rencontres sexuelles dans lesquelles il abusera sexuellement des femmes. il ne recherche pas des relations BDSM negotiees ou des approbations verbales.

Chacune de nos experience est unique, mais elles s'accordent toutes sur le fait que nous nous considerons violees sexuellement par kael t block. et en parler ouvertement est l'action la plus forte et la plus puissante imaginable.


TEMOIGNAGE NUMERO 1

je considere que la verite doit etre clairement exprimee par rapport au communique vague et malhonnete de kael, qui est maintenant sur le net sur Craigslist et Myspace. losrque j'ai lu son communique j'etais consternee et ca m'a donnee la gerbe. il m'a semble que les reponses que les gens lui ont envoyees concernaient uniquement la situation a propos de ce qui s'est passe entre kael et moi, mais ses reponses etaient une etrange fusion des multiples et differentes relations qu'il a eu avec d'autres femmes. le tout etait aussi confusement embrouille avec tous les questions politiques issus des reactions melangees de la communaute queer lorsqu'il s'est avere qu'il y a un predateur sexuel en son sein. tout aussi important que les questions politiques qui sont apparues dans notre petite communaute queer a San Francisco, la situation qui a initialement allumee le feu est ce qui s'est passe entre kael et moi : UN VIOL

voici la verite et pourquoi j'ai porte plainte contre kael t block :

kael etait chez moi en tant qu'invite par un de mes colloc. cela faisait un mois et demi que j'habitais la. kael a decrit que nous avions "nouee une relation" , ce qui n'est pas vrai; nous n'avons jamais nouee une relation sexuelle du tout. il essaye de faire comme si ce qui s'est passe entre nous etait juste un malentendu entre amants. nous n'etions PAS amants et n'avons jamais ete amoureux. au plus, notre relation etait que nous nous voyions plusieurs fois par semaine lorsque mes collocs et moi-meme etions tous dans la piece commune, a regarder la tele, utiliser l'internet, fumer des cigarettes, boire des bieres, et manger des repas ensembles. kael et moi n'avons jamais traines ensembles en dehors de la maison.
un reglement de la maison stipule que les collocs trainent ensembles dans l'espace communal. je n'ai jamais invite personne dans ma chambre et personne ne m'a jamais invitee dans sa chambre. avec mes collocs on se fait des calins sur le sofa, on se prend dans les bras l'un l'autre, et je leur donne tous un bisou sur la joue et le front pour leur dire bonne nuit quand je vais me coucher - c'est juste le genre de personne que je suis et le genre de "famille" que nous sommes. je vis dans ce que la communaute queer a gentiment surnomme "la maison de la confrerie trans" et je considere mes collocs comme des freres.
la semaine ou je me suis separee de mon amante j'etais dans un etat emotionel vulnerable et je me suis assise sur le sofa avec kael pour regarder la tele. on a fini par s'embrasser et on a commence a s'envoyer en l'air et on a eu une interraction sexuelle rapide qui a ete interrompue par un de mes collocs qui a deboule. on en a ri en se disant : c'etait juste une erreur entre deux personnes qui se connaissent a peine.
le soir d'apres, j'ai demande a kael des conseils relationels, qu'il m'a donne en tant qu'ami. il semblait que le derapage entre kael et moi de la veille etait seulement ca, un derapage, et on a continue a trainer ensembles dans la maison comme avant, en continuant a faire partie de la "famille" de la maison, avec tous mes collocs qui continuaient a trainer ensembles dans la piece commune et aucune interaction sexuelle du tout entre kael et moi.

tard dans la nuit de jeudi / vendredi matin tres tot, kael m'a violee. j'etais allee me coucher vers minuit et demie, car je devais me lever le lendemain matin a 6h45 pour aller au boulot. j'avais bu quelques bieres et fume beaucoup de cigarettes dans le salon avant d'aller me coucher toute seule dans ma chambre. je me suis mise au lit et je me suis endormie. je me suis reveillee en pleine nuit car il y avait quelqu'un dans l'encadrure de la porte derriere mon lit. j'ai pense que c'etait un de mes collocs qui etait entre dans ma chambre pour prendre quelque chose sur ma table ou pour rendre quelque chose qu'il avait emprunte. je n'ai pas fait attention a qui c'etait et je me suis retournee dans mon lit, de mon cote gauche, dans la position du foetus. j'ai ete ensuite reveillee par un surprenant liquide froid ( je sais maintenant que c'etait du lubricant ) qui etait etale par quelqu'un sur mon vagin, et ma jambe droite etait apparement maintenue par la main de quelqu'un parce que je ne pouvais pas la bouger. j'ai ete penetree rapidement et durement par le vagin par une grosse bite synthetique qui etait attachee sur la personne qui etait allongee sur moi, et mettait tout son poid sur mes hanches, m'empechant de bouger mes jambes. j'ai clairement demande " qu'est-ce que tu fais?" ensuite, JE LUI AI CLAIREMENT DEMANDE D'ARRETER. JE LUI AI DEMANDE D'ARRETER PLUSIEURS FOIS. je ne suis pas habituee a ce genre de penetration. je n'avais jamais ete penetree par un gode, et je n'avais pas utilise de vibro depuis plus d'un an. je n'avais pas eu de relation heterosexuelle depuis presque 2 ans. IL NE M'A PAS DEMANDE SI J'ETAIS D'ACCORD AVEC LA PENETRATION. j'ai ete reveillee d'un sommeil profond par la penetration forcee de kael. mes yeux se sont remplis de larmes et j'ai repete " s'il te plait arrete ". j'ai essaye de mettre mes mains sur ses epaules mais je me sentais faible par rapport au poids de son corps et sa determination. j'ai pousse ses epaules mais il s'est rapproche de moi, il a mis la main sur mon collier, il a ferme le poing et a tire fort. mon collier est comme un genre de lacet de chaussure, et ca m'a coupee la respiration. j'ai dit d'une voix etranglee " s'il te plait arrete " avant que mes paupieres se remplissent de couleurs et mon visage est devenu froid. j'ai commencee a tomber dans les pommes et je crois que je me suis evanouie pendant plusieurs secondes. il m'a penetree une fois encore et je me souviens que ma tete se cognait contre le mur derriere moi. j'ai essaye de tordre mon torse sur le cote pour l'empecher de me penetrer encore, et j'ai mis ma main sur le mur pour proteger ma tete. apres environ 5 minutes de cette invasion de MON CORPS kael s'est brutalement retire, s'est leve et a dit nonchalament " bonne journee au boulot" . je l'ai regarde sortir de ma chambre et je l'ai vu recuperer le tube de lubricant qui etait par terre, et il portait seulement le tee-shirt qu'il portait quelques heures plus tot et un gode ceinture.
si ce qui m'est arrive, de dire a kael d'arreter mais sans que ca marche, de le supplier d'arreter et qu'il continue avec plus de force, qu'il rentre dans ma chambre sans ma permission, mais equipe d'un gode ceinture pour me penetrer, et bien, si ca c'est pas un viol alors je ne sais pas ce que c'est.
je me suis levee une heure et demie plus tard pour aller au boulot, visiblement secouee. j'etais sur le net au boulot quand j'ai vu sur Myspace que kael avait mis un message disant que lui et sa copine cherchaient un endroit pour les mois d'aout et septembre. tout ce que je savais c'est que je voulais qu'il se casse de chez moi le plus vite possible. l'incident de la veille etait encore trop frais et confus et je ne savais pas quelle demarche a suivre, ou meme si je pouvais en parler a quiconque ( c'etait complique par le fait que je ne voulais pas blesser mon ex avec qui j'etais en train d'essayer de me reconcilier, et je ne savais pas si elle comprendrai mon interaction precedente avec kael ). j'ai repondu au message de kael et voici l'echange qui en a decoule :
moi : tu veux que je fasse circuler ton message?
kael : OUI! CA SERAIT SUPER! ( tu n'es pas fachee contre moi pour les coups que je t'ai donne?)
moi : les coups?
kael : le viol
moi : je t'ai demande d'arreter et j'aurai aime que tu arretes
kael : oh je suis desole! je me ferai pardonner, promis.

j'ai compris ce qu'il voulait dire par viol, mais j'etais encore confuse quand au fait que la situation soit reellement arrivee, avec quelqu'un qui etait un invite chez moi et avec qui je m'etais auparavant sentie a l'aise. j'ai fait circuler le message de kael dans lequel il admettait le viol sur Myspace a quelques amis proches pour demander conseil. plus tard j'ai aussi demande conseil a un de mes colloc. j'avais besoin de parler a quelqu'un pour avoir un genre de preuve mentale de ce qui m'etais arrive. j'ai demande aux gens a qui je me suis confiee de ne pas en faire une histoire, parce que je ne savais pas comment j'allais gerer tout ca. est-ce que je devais aller voir les flics? est-ce que je devais appeler un numero confidentiel? est-ce que je devais rester silencieuse par peur d'etre humiliee? tout ce que je savais c'est que ce qui c'etait passe n'etait PAS OK pour moi. on ne m'avait pas demande si c'etait ce que je voulais. on ne m'avait pas demande la permission d'entrer dans ma chambre et je n'etais definitivement pas dans une amitie ou une histoire avec kael suffisement investie pour qu'il sache ce que je voulais ou non meme sans avoir recours a la parole.
en quelques jours, plusieurs femmes m'ont contactees parce qu'elles avaient entendu parler de l'incident a travers des rumeurs dans la communaute queer. plus specifiquement, ces femmes avaient eu vent d'histoires de de mauvaises experiences avec kael, de par le passe ou plus recemment. elles m'ont telephone et ecrit des emails et m'ont dit que des choses similaires leur etaient arrivees. c'est comme ca que j'ai commence a reellement evaluer a quel point c'etait potentiellement dangereux si je ne faisais rien. c'est arrive a des femmes avant moi? a combien de femmes est-ce qu'il a fait ca? et aussi combien d'autres femmes a qui c'est arrive avec quelqu'un d'autre se retrouvent dans cet etat confus comme je l'etais? je sais a quel point c'est horrible et cela ne m'est arrive qu'une fois. pourrais-je proceder a MA guerison en restant silencieuse et creant par mon silence un traumatisme identique chez une autre personne?
si j'avais su que kael avait fait ca auparavant, il n'aurait PAS pu rester chez moi en tant qu'invite et C'EST MON CHOIX. C'EST MA MAISON. C'EST MON CORPS. CE SONT MES CONDITIONS et ce n'est PAS OK que kael m'ai violee.
TOI tu as le droit de prendre la decision de t'associer avec kael avec tes propres conditions. la raison pour laquelle je fais ce communique c'est pour que tu prennes une decision informee, et c'est une opportunite qui ne m'a PAS ete donnee.
j'espere que toutes les femmes qui ont parle, ainsi que toutes les femmes qui ne se sont pas senties a l'aise pour parler - qui ont ete violees, violentees ou agressees par kael, ou par une autre personne, puisse trouver de l'aide. j'espere aussi que kael trouve une aide professionnelle.

- survivante anonyme de viol


TEMOIGNAGE NUMERO 2

j'ai ete autrefois dans une relation avec kael t block. ca a commence en ete 2003 quand je l'ai rencontre a San Francisco. en decembre 2003 je suis allee lui rendre visite a paris, et c'est la, sur son terrain, que la dynamique dans notre relation a completement changee. il voulait que je lui soit soumise, et quand ca a ete evident que je ne voulais pas, alors il s'est amuse a me rabaisser, m'humilier et se battre avec moi. j'ai beaucoup appris sur sa vraie personalite pendant ce voyage, et je me souviens qu'il disait des choses qui m'ont vraiment perturbee. j'ai relu un vieux journal intime pour trouver des citations exactes que j'avais notees. il y avait une fille a l'ecole qui s'etait moquee de lui et cela l'avait mis en colere et il m'avait dit : " je veux la pencher au-dessus des toilettes et la baiser jusqu'a ce que son front saigne sur le mirroir ".
la semaine avant que je quitte kael et paris pour de bon, nous avons eu deux baguares qui se sont soldees par kael m'agressant sexuellement. c'etait il y a deux ans et demi, mais je me souviens parfaitement comment il a m'a nique le corps et la cervelle. ca me rends anxieuse de repenser a tout ca. je vais tout particulierement parler de deux incidents pour ce temoignage. dans les deux cas, kael a force un rapport sexuel quand il savait que j'etais en colere contre lui et que de facon evidente je ne voulais pas de rapport sexuel. nous nous sommes battus et ensuite kael m'a agressee physiquement et sexuellement pour affirmer un pouvoir sur moi. il m'a maintenu les bras, ecarte mes jambes et continue meme lorsque j'ai crie non, non, non, non, fous le camps et etc.
lors du second incident je me souviens qu'il etait remonte contre moi et m'a maintenue sous lui, la seule defense que j'avais avec les mains maintenues etaient de lui mordre les epaules tres fort, ce qui l'a rendu encore plus fou. il m'a obligee a avoir un rapport sexuel avec lui et il a tenu ma tete en arriere pour qu'il puisse me cracher directement au visage de facon tres violente.
ce n'etait pas des jeux d'amants ni un genre de " s'envoyer en l'air ". lors de ces incidents, j'etais forcee au rapport sexuel alors que je ne voulais meme pas etre a cote de lui. en aucune facon kael aurait pu etre induit en erreur en croyant que je voulais un rapport sexuel. j'ai hurle non en boucle, j'ai lutte, je me suis battue, j'ai utilise toute ma force pour me battre. nous n'avons pas explore des jeux de roles S&M dans notre relation, ni meme parle d'eventuellement explorer ce genre de choses. ces incidents n'etaient pas des jeux sexuels, il s'agissait de kael utilisant une dominance sexuelle pour m'agresser.
j'ai quitte kael la veille de mon depart parce que j'avais peur de le faire avant, tant que j'etais hebergee chez lui. quand meme, la facon dont il m'a traitee est restee avec moi pendant longtemps. pendant plus de six mois apres ca, je ne pouvais pas avoir de rapport sexuel sans avoir un controle complet et total pendant le rapport. lorsque j'ai enfin eue une relation serieuse intime, nous avons attendu avant notre premier rapport sexuel parce que la premiere fois que j'etais avec elle, elle m'a dit qu'elle pouvait sentir a quel point mon dernier partenaire m'avait bousillee sexuellement.
oh, et je dois inclure un autre incident que j'ai eu avec kael, un an apres notre separation quand j'etais a un club et qu'il m'a collee contre un mur et a enfoncee sa main sous ma jupe et dans ma chatte. j'avais une copine a ce moment et il savait que lui ne m'interressait pas. ma meilleure amie etait temoin et elle lui a dit " fous lui la paix et degage " . et kael a dit " tu sais que tu as aime ca " et il est parti.
ces dernieres annees j'ai confie a mes amis proches que kael m'a agresse sexuellement et j'ai toujours ouvert ma gueule contre ses projets. je savais que c'etait une personne pourrie mais je ne savais pas a quel point jusqu'a la semaine derniere lorsque j'ai eu un coup de fil me disant que kael avait viole quelqu'un. je me suis sentie vraiment mal de ne pas pouvoir dire au monde entier ma propre experience avec kael, parce que ca aurait pu epargner cette fille un trauma emotionel. je crois maintenant que les attaques de kael sont devenues plus dangereuses et plus voraces, parce que son ivresse du pouvoir a grandie avec chacune des agression dont il est ressorti indemne. ceci nous ammene a l'incident le plus recent, au cours duquel kael a ouvertement viole quelqu'un et repondu de maniere desinvolte pour se defendre des choses telles que " j'ai la conscience tranquille ".
maintenant il y a un groupe collectif et kael ne peut pas nier le fait que ses actions ont affectees des femmes de facon negative. j'espere sincerement que kael comprendra un jour a quel point il a fait du mal a ses partenaires sexuels, ne serait-ce que pour ses futures partenaires et pour lui-meme, et qu'il admette qu'il a un probleme pour qu'il puisse y remedier. un de ses amis a lui m'a recemment explique que parmis les excuses de kael, il y a celle qui stipule qu'en france il n'y a pas les memes problemes en ce qui concerne le viol, et aussi que kael est en train de lire et s'informer pour apprendre a etre un meilleur dominant BDSM, et aussi que le crime recent de kael etait un accident durant lequel une approbation verbale n'avait pas ete negotiee. alors je repete avec toutes les femmes dans ce communique que NON ,NON, NON, NON, est un putain de mot universel pour tout le monde, haut et fort.


TEMOIGNAGE NUMERO 3

mon experience personelle avec kael est basee sur le fait que je ne le connaissais que depuis 4 jours. quand on a commence a etre ensembles la premiere fois, il est venu rester chez moi pendant 4 jours, apres quoi j'ai insiste pour avoir a nouveau mon espace personel. en general, il avait l'air d'etre un garcon gentil, mais j'avais un vrai probleme avec le genre de choses qu'il a pu dire. il m'a dit ( je le cite mot a mot ) qu'il " deteste les feministes " parce qu'elles le traitent de misogyne. il m'a dit que son " plus grand fantasme " est un " fantasme de viol " et qu'il n'aimait pas demander un accord verbal. il m'a dit tout ca juste avant qu'on couche ensembles pour la derniere fois.
la derniere fois que j'ai couche avec kael, je lui ai demande une penetration anale avec ses doigts. je lui ai dit que j'etais une vierge anale pour creer un fantasme autour de la virginite, mais j'ai rigole que je n'etais pas serieuse. je lui ai aussi dit que je n'etais pas une vierge anale, et que je n'avais jamais eu de penetration anale avec une bite. il m'a repondu qu'il allait " me punir de lui avoir menti " en me baisant analement avec sa bite. il ne m'a pas ecoutee quand j'ai dit que je n'en avais pas envie. ensuite il m'a maintenue, il a mis tout son poids sur moi, et il m'a penetree analement avec une bite qui etait beaucoup trop large et en depit du fait que ce n'etait pas consensuel en premier lieu. j'ai reussi a le repousser en dehors de moi et a le repousser de moi en general. apres ca, je lui ai dit que ce qu'il venait de faire n'etait pas ok. sur le moment, je lui ai pardonne, bien que j'ai rompu le lendemain notre idylle. quand j'ai entendu qu'il avait viole une autre fille une semaine plus tard, j'ai decidee de sortir de l'ombre et de parler de mon experience. depuis j'ai recu deux emails de lui pour me harceler. voici des citations de ses emails :

email numero 1 de kael :
est-ce que tu es en colere parce que je ne voulais pas aller plus loin qu'une amitie ? est-ce que c'est de ca qu'il s'agit???? ou bien est-ce que tu es inquiete pour ta reputation parce que oups ce n'est plus a la mode maintenant de baiser avec kael t block??
email numero 2 de kael :
tu l'as definitivement mal pris, en ce qui concerne ce que tu fais maintenant...!!! reflechis bien avant de faire quoi que ce soit d'illegal, je suis vraiment certain que tout ce qui t'interresse c'est ta carriere et ta cote de popularite. ca ne te menera a rien, si c'est ca ton but, tu es tellement superficielle. tu me lechais les couilles il y a quelques jours encore, pourquoi est-ce que tu faisais ca si c'est pour dire maintenant que je suis une mauvaise personne ?? je pense que je t'ai enervee parce que je n'ai plus voulu te baiser. tu es vraiment une personne trop moche. tu parles d'une groupie. j'ai du mal a croire que j'etais avec toi apres avoir entendu tout ce qu'on m'a raconte.



et pour finir voici un message que nous avons vraiment aime :


en tant que femme, en tant que femme - iniste, en tant que photographe dans cette communaute, cette histoire et tous les messages que ca a genere ont provoques plus d'une chose en moi :

1. j'en ai marre de voir que tout le monde fait du copier/coller de ce communique, sans exprimer une opinion personelle a propos de ce qui est dit, ni meme une opinion favorable sur tout ou une partie du contenu. ca me rends malade et ca me donne envie de quitter Myspace. ca me rends triste qu'il y ait des gens qui ont peur de dire ce qu'ils pensent et trouvent plus confortable de juste copier/coller les mots de quelqu'un d'autre au lieu de creer nos propres dialogues. bien que j'admets comprendre la peur valable d'une reaction brutale en contrecoups.

2. je sais qu'un viol est une accusation serieuse et que gerer une telle accusation est un probleme complique, et que tu n'etais pas la, que tu ne connais pas l'accuse ou l'accusatrice, que c'est difficile de prendre une decision instruite. ceci etant dit, beaucoup d'entre nous pensent que s'il s'agissait d'un mec qui par ailleurs avait une reputation de respect envers les femmes, plus de gens seraient restes neutres. je connais aussi personellement plusieurs femmes qui croient fermement que de telles atrocites aient pu se produire parce qu'elles ont aussi eu des experiences avec cette personne ou elles se sont senties traitees de facon irrespectueuse, maltraitees et / ou abusees et qui sont sorties de l'ombre. ces autres filles ont aussi des amis qui croient ce qu'elles leur ont confie. ces amis n'ont aucune difficulte a croire leurs histoires. CELA FAIT BEAUCOUP DE GENS QUI SONT AU COURANT. maintenant je fais faire un tour a 180 degres et dire que je comprends que parmis ces gens-la il y en ai qui ont copie/colle le communique pour preserver leur anonymat. le fait qu'il y ai des messages ecrits par des membres " visibles " de la communaute pour critiquer les gens qui prennent position avant que les faits soient exposes a la lumiere du jour, c'est passer a cote du fait que bon nombre d'entres nous ait une opinion informee. j'ajoute meme que cette citation m'enerve grave : " le fait de deliberement essayer de detruire des gens accuse de viol qui n'ont aucun recours dans leur communaute dure depuis plus de dix ans et demi, et aucune des personnes que je connais a qui c'est arrive, et ce sont tous des artistes, n'a eu la chance de s'exprimer. ils sont tous feministes. ils ne sont pas l'ennemi accuse de viol mais des feministes ". aussi, personne n'empeche kael de parler. je pense que beaucoup de gens seraient prets a ecouter ce qu'il a a dire. et je suis d'accord avec le message qu'un ami a ecrit ; " le fait que tu baises des femmes ne fais pas de toi un feministe ". la PLUPART des gens accuse de viol ONT COMMIS un viol. cela demande beaucoup d'efforts a une femme d'affronter un violeur. REGARDE JUSTE LE GENRE D'EXAMEN PUBLIQUE AUQUEL ELLE S'EXPOSE. et je connais des femmes qui ont ete maltraitees par cette personne que j'aurai du mal a appeler un feministe! ET AUSSI j'ai parle avec des femmes qui n'ont pas ose sortir de l'ombre parce qu'elles sentaient qu'elles n'auraient aucun support dans leur communaute. elles avaient peur des repercussions. on en est la. C'EST LE MOMENT DE VOIR DU VRAI ' FEMME INISME ' !!

3. si une femme dit qu'elle s'est fait violee, il y a tellement de raisons pour lesquelles on doit lui apporter notre soutien en premier lieu que je pourrai probablement ecrire tout un bouquin sur le sujet, donc je vais en rester la.

4. depuis que tout ceci est arrive, plusieurs filles que je connais personellement sont sorties de l'ombre pour parler de comment elles se sentent par rapport a la facon dont kael les a maltraitees. ca a ete un vrai choc de voir qu'autant de filles aient eu de si mauvaises experiences restees sous silence, tandis que cette personne s'est debrouillee pour avoir le soutien de certains d'entres nous, et meme celui de certains business au sein de la communaute ! si seulement j'avais su la facon dont il a traite ces filles avant, je n'aurai jamais soutenu aucun de ses projets - et surtout pas ses projets ou il prends des photos de femmes. la facon dont il represente les femmes dans XXboys m'a toujours un peu derangee. de par le passe, j'ai eu quelques discussions avec des femmes sur ce qu'on en pensait, et j'ai entendu des choses comme " c'est sexiste et offensif " ainsi que " pourquoi est-ce que c'est sexiste? pourquoi est-ce que ce n'est pas seulement sur le sexe ? " . tres recemment je parlais avec kael d'une collaboration photographique puisque nous sommes deux photographes dans la meme scene, travaillant sur les memes films...on avait decides de se rencontrer bientot pour parler de nos projets et je voulais en profiter pour parler de certaines choses qui me genent mais je n'ai pas eu l'opportunite avant que toute cette merde sorte au grand jour.

5. toute cette situation me brise le coeur. je pense que des projets photographiques faits par des gens au sein de la communaute sont TRES IMPORTANTS et doivent etre soutenus, mais il ne faut pas avoir peur de parler si on pense que les portraits sont des representations deformees ou des cliches. parce que si c'est cool d'avoir un projet photo qui rends plus forts certains d'entre nous, ca ne vaut pas le coup si c'est aux depens de certains autres d'entre nous. je suis desolee pour les mecs et les filles dont les photos sont dans XXboys et qui ne soutiennent plus le projet maintenant mais qui n'ont aucun moyen de retirer leurs portraits maintenant. ca craint grave.

___


a propos du message " predateur sexuel dans le scene lesbienne / trans a San francisco

salut, c'est juste pour repondre et essayer d'eclaicir la situation autour de kael t block. je sais que c'est un probleme tres complique et j'ai ete completement ebahi de lire ce que lynn breddlove dit que pour une fois elle se sent incapable de couper une bite en caoutchouc apres en avoir coupees tant en public pour le plaisir??? elle est juste incapable d'etre politique quand il s'agit de la bite de kael...j'ai vecu en france pendant un moment. je peux dire que ce n'est pas la premiere fois que kael a ete bloque : je veux dire incapable de quitter le pays pour de tres serieuses raisons. kael a ete reconnu coupable en france parce qu'il a tout simplement frappe une amante avec un cutter. il y a deux ans, une realisatrice francaise a portee plainte contre lui parce qu'il l'avait severement tabassee. svp info a faire passer et circuler.

Kael T Block: My Words (repost) Body: This situation has gotten way to far. On the precious advises of my elders, and professionals from numerous associations that I have contacted to know the best and more appropriate way to answer to this,until now, I stood silent. Online brutal messages are not a way to deal with personal problems. Whatever you are being accused of something, or accusing someone. From my experience, and once again learning from my elders experience, who have been thrown in online bashing, and witch hunt based on hurt feelings, I know that these posting back and forth, getting a situation out of control, bigger and bigger, are causing drama, intense pain, and are hurtful on both sides, are hurtful to a community. This story hasnt been discussed. And yes we have different version of the story. And also, what is under all this is the issue of rape called from awoman voice over a man. Well first of all I am not a male. I am a proud female born queer transgender boy. I am concerned as much as anyone with the issue of rape. And shooting T, or strapping it on sometimes doesnt make me more of a rapist, than any one else. Being kinky and having a sex life doesnt make me more of a rapist or a sexualpredator. Gender shouldnt lead to pre judgments. Other wise it is sexist. And based on the idea that men are rapistand sexual predators. Are there gray areas here? Yes. Has safe words being established together and a safe environment been secured together in prior of engaging TOGETHER in a CONSENSUAL power dynamic, with a consensual top and a consensual bottom, no. We didnt established safe words. And this is a terrible and regrettable mistake. Not only mine. It is our mistake. We entered together a consensual powered relationship, giving control, taking control and we didnt securedit. Were we lovers? Yes. We already had sex and sexual situation together before that night. Not to say it changes anything, and you can still be raped by your lover, just giving some, until then, invisibleinformations. Are all negotiations only the tops responsibility?Certainly not. Is it the male gendered ones responsibility to control the sexual intercourses, or the one fucking theother?? Absolutely not. Can a top be hurt by a bottom, or need after care too?Yes. Books are written for tops to become better tops and bottoms to become better bottoms. As no body is ever perfect and everybody might make a mistake, might be ignorant, or just might use precious advices from more experienced people. For safety to be maximum. For consent to be understood, and clearly expressed. Communication is primordial. And a commune responsibility. And I acknowledge being young, I acknowledge lacking of numerous years of experience in bdsm. And I am able to make mistakes as everyone is,and everyone has. Does all my lovers always understood my boundaries? No, does it mean that they were trying to hurt me? No. Did they instantly did the appropriate gesture, or make it better right away? No, every time we had to discuss, process, aftercare, understood each others feeling, actions, and personal stories, to fill up the blanks. In a caring and loving process. At theappropriate time. Hasnt any of my lover ever did an inappropriate gesture toward my body trying to please me, because from the information and the explanation of my desire I gave them they thought it was alright? Yes, mistakes can be made out of love, of wanting to be a hot lover, a hot top or a hot bottom. Or just being human. Ive been driven in scenes that were hurting my feeling and felt bad by irresponsible bottoms wanting me to be in a top space were I wasnt sure of what they wereexpecting from me. Playing with me at the inappropriate time. Pushing the wrong buttons. Or all my buttons at thesame time. How about your sexual experiences? Always perfect?Lucky you. I am imperfect and young. And I was engaged in a consensual sexual relationship and friendship with a young woman that I loved and respected, and who lovedand respected me. What is trust? I recently learnt a lot about trust. How we give instant trust to a lover, to respect you, to care for you, to be clear, to be true. To be a good communicator, to respect your life, and the intimacy you share, the confessions you make. And you feel secure if the person in front of you is a good kisser how silly we are. How silly I am. As a public person I never realized how extra prudent I should be before engaging any relationship, any friendship. Did you have drama with your ex lovers? Or with a friend? Did you got shit-talked about? Everybody has. But you have not been thrown into a community scene with every jealous, haters, ex lover with bitter feelings, fans of gossip to tear you down. For personal reasons, or beliefs or revenge. I am not afraid of the law. At all. I read that someone was wondering why I wasnt claiming out loud my innocence, why I wasnt being all emotional, why I wasnt taking legal actions. I did all this. I called, I collected information, I burst in pain, and my body is shaking since this last Friday. Constantly. I am taking xanax and I am just psychologically and physically miserable. I am hurt, I am fucking miserable. I am miserable, freaked out, hurt so deeply that no one that ever lived through this can imagine.On oh so many levels. I was the first one that wanted to go to the police. For defamation, slander, physical assault, incitation for violence and hate, boycotting professional, psychological damage, stealing of my belongings, and art, threats, and putting myself in a really delicate physical situation by holding my Testosterone that I have to shot every week. These are facts. True. Solids. Visible. Provable facts and illegal actions. Some peoples, both trustable and caring, and professionals pointed out that I was a trans of color in a foreign country, was I able to go through this now, where I was crumbled and shocked? It is easy to say call a lawyer a lawyers rate is 300$ an hour. Also in a precarious emotional state you really want to understand what is being said to you, you need to be able to articulate your feelings, and story. My head is so messed up I wish I was able to use my language. And I am also a queer person. My culture is not straight, yes even accused of this horrible crime I am NOT a hater. And I respect the relation I had with her, and I want to hear if she FEELS abused. Shes saying it, and I didnt rape her, I didnt attack her, I didnt assaulted her, is it still going to change herfeelings?? As a trans person that went through A LOT of body issues, I know about body violation. I had freaked out, I had felt violated when a lover was pulling too hard on the binding for the need to feel my skin, saying that it has no importance what is my chest like, skin is skin, I had feel violated when, even before I understood my trans identity, I felt so wrong and dirty and sick when someone fucked me down there and I would burst in tears and run in the corner of a room out of fear. With someone so sorry looking at me, or someone thinking I was psychotic. What do you think I know about rape? You want to be indecent, and just ruin my life, lets do it together. Lets get naked more naked, more guts shown, more blood out. Lets feed the lions for the amusement of thepeople.I have been abused. Even telling that to myself is something I just hide from me for years, its on the back of my head. Always there. Like the noise of a fridge. I never told anyone. Yes I feel for her. And this accusations re opened these wounds. I dont have much that hasnt been spit on. So yes I can even face that. I was 14. Young. Rebel. I wanted to try things, wasnt really caring of what adults advices were, thought I knew better anyway. I was a teenager. Imprudent, cocky, and as all teenagers, invincible. He flirted with me in the street, he was 40 and charming. We started to talk. He paid me a coffee, I had nothing better to do. He talked about Plato and the metaphor of the cavern; I was amazed. He had a lot of charisma, and I felt pretty. Important. Talking about this with an adult. This is all you want to be when you are 14. Adult. And pretty I guess. Smart. He told me to come to his place he would lent me the book. It wasnt far. Why not? He was an adult after all, trustable and sweet. I went. I went there and talked some more. I dont know how we passed from his couch with a book to me naked under him in a bed. I blocked it out. I didnt want to. I felt it was my fault I didnt say it loud enough, or I didnt say it enough, or at some point I was just too tired to say it and thought it would be easier to just do it and he would leave me alone. He complained that I wasnt making noises or wasnt reacting enough, for him I guess. I felt bad being a bad lover. Did he come? Did I care? I remember the white ceiling, I remember my feet up there, not really mine. How awkward was it when I left this apartment in Chatou? What happened then? When I took my clothes from his room? I was felling so shitty for being so dumb Felling ashamed. Feeling wrong. But feeling dumb mostly. This was my fault. I let it happened. It was my fault. I was ashamed. And I didnt say anything, its not there, it didnt happened then. It was my fault. I know today it wasnt. He was 40 and I was young. I said no. Not loud enough, or not enough, or he just didnt really care. He abused me..... I am not a man. I am an FtM. And I know rape. So if I made her felt that way yes I am concerned. I am hurt. Do I want to ruins her life in order to save mine? No. Everyone took the occasion to make an example, and to destroy a project that bothers. It had been called racist, sexist, misogynist, fat phobic, classe-ist. Do I attrack jealousy? Yes. For being a young successful handsome artist, I attrack a lot of jealousy from not that successful artists, from insecure trans thinking I want to fuck their girlfriends. Jealous of the attention that I receive. Everybody has a lot of ideas on me of what I can be of who I am. I am a public person. A lot of people got assumption about me. Seeing my work, or pictures of myself. In XX BOYS I put a lot of energy, raw, intense, in the images, to create a powerful body positive image for trans identify queers, going through transition. Sometimes out of a community, isolated, with just the cyber space to find role models and information aboutthe transition. This is where Im coming from.I am coming from a country with no understanding of trans people, where one has to be really strong to face all the incomprehension, the rejections of you being called a freak or a girl.I expose myself in strong images, always looking tough. Always looking fierce. Always looking cocky and confident. This cockiness, this chin up is the only armor I had to face my transition and more to create visibility for MY community in France. To build a strong representation. And this is what people have asan image of me. And this is right, on some points. I am determined and confident and with this project, I put myself in a very visible and dangerous position to follow my beliefs. And my desires and needs to create changes. And this doesnt mean I am an angel or should be trust for what Ive done with this project. I am certainly not using my work to create a persona. step away from Kael T Block, the guy you saw with a bleeding nose all pecs out, or with a pirate flag leading a group of people in a protest, and to think a minute about Kael. 26 years old. Likes ice cream a lot. And to have someone that scratches his head. Kael, likes to laugh, and plays the guitar in his room with his best friend really late at night, always the same 3 songs. Kael 54, 120 pounds, size 7 in shoes, wearing the same brand and model for the past 5 years, changing the color eventually. Kael whom close friends nickname koala for he likes to be spooned and cuddled all the time. Kael with a ridiculous love story with his cat. Kael who put on his tiger costume and that same cat to replay the lion king at 3am for his friends, and want his but rubbed in the morning. So I am NOT trying to picture me as a good person. I am a lot of thing, I am moody, and messy, and bossy, and insecure, and immature sometimes what I am justsaying is that: ~You just dont know me~And you cant base your idea of someone based on a picture, a stage performance, a political act. So no I didnt rape her. And she still can feel raped. And she needs to take care of herself, and I am hoping that she hasnt been caught in a witch hunt, where she could sort out of this completely destroyed, because it is beyond her, and nobody really cares anymore, everybody is watching her, and cutting the wound even deeper instead of healing it. I know better than hate. I though we knew better than hate. I am a trans from France, and you are attacking my nationality and my gender. And if you feel good about it, about being chauvinist and Trans phobic and thinking you are saving the world, you are wrong. You dont save anything by hate and destroying. And I am not going to make a fool and a hater of myself because some people are being so hideous. No I am not ashamed of anything. And I can stand straight right here. So you think that there is one truth? And that all problems must be solved by slaughter and hate?? If I have the support of my elders it is because we know that life is more complicated than that. And that no we are not straight and by our journey in this world, and society, whatever our biological sexes are, whatever our gender is, and gender presentation, masculinity, femininity, and all the fights weve been into, to create in this hetero normative society a better place for us, with more power and equal right for the minorities, and go through life with alternative solutions, alternative solutions, healing solutions, alternative medicine, and therapy, alternative cultures, planet defense using our consciences, creating medical organizations, and non profits, and we dont trust the system when it comes to our rights, as queers, as women, as trans, as person of colors, and these are my beliefs. But no, I am not scared of mediations, or trials, or any thing. Because I didnt rape her. This said I am not in denialof her feelings. Dont tell a story you dont know at all. If you wanna hate me dont be fucking opportunists, and cowards just hate me! And admit why you hate me, weither it is because I am trans, I am a man, I am leading a positive and successful project, because I am a foreigner, because you dont like my smile, because Im too cocky for you, because I dumped you, because you are insecure and you think I hit on your girlfriend, because you think being flirty is a crime, because you have personal interests, because it is fun, becauseyou think Im a jerk. Accusations need proofs, and it is not by the number of people who gonna repost and twist your gossips that you are gonna make me a rapist.Think about words. And meanings. Gender has been thought about. Masculinity, femininity challenged by queers, thought about out of societys ideas and relations to chromosomes, and biological sex. Man and woman are two end of a spectrum that we can understand and see, we can create new possibilities, new identities, deconstruct gender, orrecreate it. Faithfulness. Has been thought and challenged by polyamorous people, writer, lovers. The meaning of cheating, of loving, of being faithful, of engagement and relationship has been re thought. Monogamy isnt the ultimate form of loving, the only honorable way to love someone, isnt THE proof of respect and engagement. Words have a lot of different meaning in different contexts. And beliefs. BDSM. Power exchange, physical pain, objects like floggers, crosses, electrical shock machines, whips, cuffs, terms like slave, beat up, ownership, physical dominance, humiliation, master, daddy have certain meanings. Out of this context all these tools andterms are scary, and wrong Situation: Were in a coffee shop, my friend arrives and pull out his t-shirt and show me his back full of bruises, the skin cracked open on some parts and, with a large smile on his face, tells me my daddy beat the crap out of me last night, turns to the glass windows and admires his marks for the tenth time today with pride and happiness like a young college girl would do with her fist hickey given after school in the park by Mike Hottest-boy-in-the-class. How would the person sitting behind us, who hear my 15years-old-looking-like trans boy friend tells 15-years-old-boy-looking me my daddy beat the crap out of me last night would understand what s/he hears and doesnt know we are 26, and we are trans, and kinky, and this person is a straight pretty normal person, not aware of what SM or D/s mean is, or might be a survivor of abuse as well, would s/he then run outside to a pay phone and call to report a child abuse and molestation by the biological father of a 15 year old obviously-messed-up-and-unable-to-understand-his-fathers-abusing-behaviorskid? A lot of person here are this person sitting behind us. You take things out of their context. I use a lot of kinky re an appropriated and consensually approved vocabulary. I use rape I use daddy, I use master and slave, I use kidnap I sometime have a daddy role over someone means that I tells this person to get to get on her knees and to orally please me, means also that I would tell her to not get drunk at this party, to call her employers to ask for the money she owned by working extra time and to not let anyone abuse of her trust or time or kindness. And sometimes I will let a loving top spank me for Ive been a bad boy, or call her for advices. I am not a hardcore stone top, I am not into giving physical pain, and I am not into SM. I am into D/s. And I use these words sometime out of prudence, not knowing if the person Im telling it to got the same understanding of this word. And knows the context of this word. When we enter D/s dynamics do we always, always, negotiate our sex? Sit at a table write contracts, sign them? I believe that before entering any bdsm scene including physical or psychological risks, we should. We should know what are the other persons body boundaries, and have safe words. But negotiation and getting to know your partner is also, and out of scene negotiation, an ongoing process, we tell our lover we like it like that, we tells our lovers this is a body boundaries, we collect information all along the relationship and the sex we have we have with them, using these informations to do this, or that, to trysomething new. The sex we had, the things we told each other about how we like to fuck, the dynamic we consensually installed togetherleads to this sad event. I do not take responsibility for a common mistake: I entered her room with her consent and request. To prove it is as simple as showing the text message she sent me, which is still on my phone. Telling me to enter her room when she is sleeping. No he said- shesaid. I am not denying her feelings or her experience of thesituation we created. I deny the accusation of rape, and abuse. This story belongs to her and I, not the friend of a friend who heard something. Not the crazy violent in-love-with-her roommate who doesnt have all the informations, not the ex lover with personal interest in my professional slaughter, not the one disappointed of me not being her prince charming, not the jealous insecure friend of the family who breed hard feeling for so he though one day I try to flirt with his girlfriend. Not the man haters that think man are rapist. Not the vain ex friend worried for his reputation. That has been in a really similar position with a close friend of mine, who freaked out on a rape scene and didnt say her safe words, but knows how to process, not the opportunist, and the shallow. Her, me and professionals, eventually lawyers, but mostly therapists, and healers. To be a photographer you can be really trendy. You have a lot of fan around you, a lot of person thinking youre great, and build a public persona using you and your project, using your political engagement to promote their political values. That will turn their back at you in a second when they dont have personal interest anymore but when it comes to be real. A lot of star fuckers, a lot of interested peoples. And as a public persona doing contested work, you are an easytarget. I feel right in my actions. I didnt do anything I feel ashamed of, though a lot of recent event make me really really sad. My beliefs are intact. My political engagements, fighting for trans visibility, and ALL minorities, abused and oppressed and silenced, arestill here. I believe strongly that when a woman says she got raped and abused, we need to give her all the attention and give her credit for what she says, and what she feels. We need to take care of her, we needto hear what she has to say. I believe that we cant judge any one on his gender, or his/her nationality, or his/her cockiness, and we have to hear what this person has to say. We come from a system of power that creates hierarchies, and where the parole of a man has more credit than the parole of a woman. Where the parole of a white person has more credit than the parole of a person of color. Where someone with social power, money, citizenship, got power over the poor, the alienated, or the immigrant. And what happened the last days should shame those whos hate blinded, and turn into the same oppressors that they believe they fight. I am trans, female born young man. Feminist for that I love and value woman and female identify person. Activist. I am not the enemy and my parole should be heard as much as anyone elses in this community. Regardless of our genders. Since we shared the same history, and queer identity. I am not going to impersonate the enemy, the MAN. Who else after me?There are several before me. This has gotten to far, and got out of proportions. In a movement of hate, and revival of old fights. Rape is not a word to be called and used against someone else. Abuse is a really dramatic thing that every female born deal with everyday in the streets, at work, everywhere, it touches us, or our partners, and we are ALL concerned and sensitive and ready incriminate and punish the abusers, and sexual predators. Me first. Certainly not using the same violent and abusive, calculated and hateful disgusting methods than them. Certainly not creating examples and abusers and masshysteria. I am not a hater and I am not a rapist. This is what I have to say for now, I hope it isnt too unclear or gramaticaly wrong. I am in a really precarious emotional and psychological state. For this is reallyreally hard... Thanks for the support that has been sent, the messages, the emails, the neutral positions, the wisewords, the peacefull words. Kael.